sincerely, asher

fifteen

HARLEY

Neon pink. Vibrant green. Traffic guard orange. Road construction yellow. They all blend in together, forming rays of light through the smoky haze of the dark room. The music is loud, heavy metal blasting from four different speakers hanging on the wall. There's a disco ball hanging from the ceiling, shining a perfect light on the dance floor, just enough to see where you're going.

I don't know how many people are here, but bodies are clashing against mine with every step I take around the dance floor. I don't recognize any of the faces around me, but I don't panic because I don't care. This numb feeling in my body is one I've missed dearly for months now. They always tell me to try to feel something because it's good for myself to know that I'm still here and my heart still beats. Truthfully, I want to feel dead inside. I wouldn't miss feeling my pulse every morning if it meant I'd never have to be diagnosed with another mental disease. 

I finally find my way off the dance floor without getting caught in the middle of a group dance where everyone decides to circle around each other and grab places that don't need to be grabbed in public. Thirst hits me and I make my way out the door and to the kitchen to find a drink. Someone grabs my arm and turns me around before I make it to the kitchen. It's Ellis. Her eyes are red from the blunt she's holding in her left hand and her hair is everywhere, total indication she's found some guy to have fun with for the night.

She lets go of me and digs her free hand around in her pocket, pulling out my phone in the process. "This damn thing has been buzzing and ringing and shit for the past forty minutes. You might want to make sure it's not your parents." Oh yeah, them. I text them after I left the clinic and told them I was at Ellis' for the night, so I should be fine. Unless they called Ellis' dad, which would result in him telling them that we weren't there and I would be grounded for the rest of my life for even considering going to a party, much less getting a little tipsy. "Can you please just take this stupid thing?"

I take it out of her hand and turn around, leaving her to go find someone else to hang out with for the night. For tonight, I want to be alone. I want to sulk and feel nothing and drink. Once I make it to the kitchen, I grab the first cup I see on the counter and take a sip. Shit. Whatever the hell this is, it's strong. Toughing it out, I down the rest of the cup and crumble it in my hands, dropping the cup to the floor below me. I close my eyes and tilt my head back, letting the alcohol set in.

I make my way out the kitchen and into another room where there's a new game of Spin the Bottle starting. I step in the room and lean against the dorm frame, debating whether or not to check my phone. Bad idea, Harley. There's a missed call from my mom, two text messages from my dad, and six voice mails from Asher. I know I shouldn't even be on my phone with the way I'm downing all sorts of mysterious cups of alcohol tonight, but I need any type of distraction. I look around the room and notice there's a door in the corner that leads to a balcony outside.

"Babe, join the game," I hear a low voice come from below the floor. The group giggles, their laughs mixed with the fake emotion of alcohol. Stupid college people, always so caught up in bullshit games, never facing the reality of the world. I won't become them. I won't let my life become some stupid little game.

I roll my eyes and open the door leading outside. "Look, if you want a kiss, all you have to do is come outside," I say back, sarcastically, "but I'm not playing your shitty games." I twist the door handle and push the door, going outside. The Boston chill doesn't even surprise me anymore when it hits my skin. There's not much of a view out here, just a bunch of boring trees that I don't have any interest in. The moon is creating the most perfect light outside, allowing me to see what's around me.

I hear the door open behind me and the footsteps grow louder as the person gets closer. "I'm here for that kiss." Yeah, whoever this is will not be getting that kiss. "What are you doing out here anyways?" The guy walks up beside me and places his hands on the railing, holding himself up. I can smell the alcohol on him, it's suffocating.