sincerely, asher

thirteen

HARLEY

Monday Morning

I tried writing in that book again this morning, but I just can't open it again, not until the girl inside the book is dead. Besides, there's nothing for me to write in it. Lists are boring. I don't feel like they truly represent me, just my brain. Lists show a progression in my health and right now, I want to be normal. I'm seen as normal, yet I don't feel normal and maybe it's time I change that myself. Asher's going to be home in two hours and I'm excited because I don't have school today, so I get to spend the afternoon with him. Thank you, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

We talked last night after his gig until he fell asleep about what we were going to do when we saw each other and I was expecting some immature answer from him because he's a guy and all, but he surprised me. He said, and I quote, "I'm going to blink a few times, make sure you're real, and then I'm going to make you laugh because I've missed that sound and the way crinkles form by your eyes when you laugh."

I never told him what I was going to do because honestly, I didn't know. The reality of Asher scares me, just like the reality of everything scares me. Sure, his voice is real on the phone and over FaceTime but it's full of so much rasp and perfection, it doesn't seem real. I know when he's in front of me, I'll want to crouch down and hide myself from the reality of him. When he wraps his arms around me and presses his lips against my forehead, I'll leave my eyes open because closing my eyes means accepting the reality of the feelings I have for him and I don't know if I'm exactly ready to do that yet. They told me I would never be able to have feelings like this and if I did, I couldn't handle them.

But Asher has this way of making me feel like I can do anything. Maybe it's the way he calls me perfect or beautiful. Maybe it's the way he smiles at me. Maybe it's just the simple feeling of him wanting me, but regardless, he makes me feel something I've never felt before and was told I never would, and that's invincible.

"Harley, would you come downstairs for a few minutes," I hear my dad shout up the stairs. I get off of my bed and take a quick look in the mirror. I need to fix myself up for the afternoon. My hair is in a messy bun on top of my head, pieces of hair falling down in front of my face. These sweatpants are the most baggy pants I own, black and shaped like harlem pants. However, my dad will be proud of me rocking his Metallica shirt from the 80s. I shrug my shoulders and make my way out of my room, heading down the stairs and following my dad's voice into the living room.

"Yeah, we played for a good two hours it felt like. Longest set I've ever played in my entire life to tell you the truth," I hear from the living room and I know that voice isn't my dad's or my mom's. I round the corner and see the back of my dad. "Our next gig is in Cambridge, so you should definitely stop by. I'll put you on the VIP list because if I don't, they'll put you in shit, I mean awful seating." Gigs. Music. Correcting cursing. Special emphasis on the aw in awful. Asher.

Asher is in my living room, chatting my dad up about music, and I have my hair in a bun. I try to run up the stairs as fast as I can, but by the time I make a move for the stairs, my dad turns around and diverts his attention to me. "Look who decided to stop by, Harley."

He moves to the side of my dad and I swear my breath stops for a second. Oh wow, the reality is setting in. There he is, right in front of me, living and breathing and being perfect, being Asher. "Sorry I'm a little earlier than you anticipated, but I didn't think you would mind," he says and I watch his eyes run up and down my body from across the room. I think I might faint or cry. I can't really decide.

"It's okay. I'm just gonna go upstairs and change and then we can go, yeah?" I avoid making eye contact with him because I am brutally embarrassed by my appearance right now. I can tell by his movements that he's trying his best to get me to look at him, but I can't let that happen right now. Not when I look like this.