Fuck Girl

I Don't Think I Deserve Anything Better

I ended up at Big Mike's. What better way to get your mind off your shitty past and your shitty present than to get mind numbingly high. That was the plan at least. I'm sitting deep in the couch cushions of Big Mike's dim living room. Some superhero movie played on his flat screen. His place is relatively messy and dingy, but he has a few expensive belongings throughout his house.

"Why don't you get a nicer place? I'm sure you could afford it?" I ask him genuinely curious as he passes me the 3rd blunt we've smoked.

He blows out a large cloud of smoke. "I've never known anything different." He has a thoughtful look on his face. He's taking my question seriously instead of being offended like most would be. "I don't think I deserve any better either. Dealing drugs doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to have an amazing life. I've had to do bad things because of this job. This is as much as I deserve."

I think about his words. I feel like I can really relate to them. I've never had anything different and I don't deserve any better. The only relationship I've been in started when I was 16 and he was 20. He came to a college fair at my highschool and introduced me to the possibility of becoming a game designer. It was because of him I went to the same college as him.

He started off as a dirty secret since he was an older college boy. My parents were very strict and controlling and would never have allowed it. He would take me on romantic dates and buy me nice things. He made me feel loved. I gave him my first kiss and my virginity. Sometimes he wouldn't respond for days and I thought it was because he was a busy college student. He would occasionally blow up at me but blamed on the stress of midterms or his workload. I thought it was all normal.

When I turned eighteen and he was twenty two I got accepted into his university. He took me out to celebrate. I told him I wanted to live in the dorms and get the full experience. He wanted me to live with him. We got into a huge fight and he left me outside of the restaurant an hour away from home. I spent hours outside too scared to call my mom and face her wrath. One of the bartenders on break took pity on me and let me sit at the bar until his shift was over. Which was closing. He took me home and my boyfriend was sitting out front leaning against his car, a cigarette sticking out of his mouth.

"Get in the car." Was all he said and I knew if I didn't he'd make me regret. The kind bartender asked if I was ok, I sent him away with a fearful smile. The ride was quiet until we reached a park. He screamed at me about daring to cheat on him I got out of the car to get away from his yelling. He got out and pushed me against the car calling me all kinds of names. That was the first time he forced me to have sex with him. He wasn't gentle like he usually was. Even when I cried from the pain he wouldn't stop. He burnt his cigarette into my hip and told me nobody would want me now with a mark like that.

He came back the next day with a large bouquet and what I thought were heartfelt apologies. I moved in with him and my world got smaller. My parents disowned me when they knew I was moving in with him. They called me a slut and threw all my things out of the house. He told me I was better off without them. When I got my freshman fifteen he would tell me how disgusted he was to look at me and call me fat. He would get angry anytime I went out with friends. I started going less often because it wasn't worth his anger. I threw myself into my school work.  I knew that with a degree I could go anywhere and take care of myself. My future is what I thought I could look forward to, it's what kept me going.

When I was nineteen and he was twenty three he got his job at Microsoft. The first couple months were amazing. He spoiled me with his larger paycheck and always came home happy. After those couple of months he began to act erratic. I never knew what mood he would be in. I found out he started getting into coke with another guy at work which worsened his mood swings. He got tired of being the new guy that had to get everyone's coffees and kiss asses. He knew he was better than all of them and he deserved better. I told him that's probably what everyone who first starts go through. That was the first time he hit me. If he didn't like what I made for dinner he'd throw the plate at me. If a man looked at me a little too long in public I had to satisfy him as soon as we got home or he'd hit me.