𝐘𝐎𝐔

all 4 nothing

𝗽𝗮𝗽𝗲𝗿 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁𝘀 𝘵𝘸𝘰．

ej banged his head against his locker, closing his eyes trying to take the pain. he couldn't imagine how horrible he already had felt for being an asshole to ricky. not to mention, he cheated on the boy. he did horrible things..

...

it's been two weeks since i've talked to ricky, and i can't take it. me being trapped in my own feelings because i took his for granted.. if i could change everything, i would. he didn't deserve any of the pain that i caused. he didn't deserve to find out that i was cheating on him, he didn't deserve the struggles i put him in through.

"i just wish you were here with me. i promise i'll change, ricky.." i said shutting my locker, and walking to class. and yes i've seen ricky in the halls, but he never pays me any attention. i really broke him.

...

"i wonder what the world would look like 30 years from now.." ricky said, looking at the night sky.

"what are you talking about ricky?"

"i don't know, i'm just saying dumb things"

"no, it's not dumb. you're probably just curious and that's okay" ej pulled ricky in closer into his chest. they both stargazed at the stars in the sky, this is all they ever did. watch the stars and kiss.

"ej?"

"yes ricky?"

"are we there yet?"

"what do you mean by that?" ej said with his eyes closed, taking in the moment. "like.. are we there to becoming official?.."

that's when ej opened his eyes, and looked down to ricky. "to becoming official?, i believe we're there, but are we really ready to it though? no i don't think so."

ej had a point. him and ricky wanted this, they wanted to be in each other's arms, they wanted to be close to one another, they wanted to be more than enemies. more than friends. more than best friends.

"you got a point there." ricky laid his head back on ej's chest as he wrapped his other arm around the older's torso.

"i hate that we have to hide our relationship." the younger whispers.

"i know babe. but as the sun goes down, and the moon rises.. i'll be here with you forever."

"promise?"

ricky held his pinky out.

elijah intertwined his pinky. "promise."

...

i'm better off without elijah. at least i think i am.

isn't it weird when you love someone for so long, and then when it's time to finally express that, everything goes wrong? don't know about anyone else, but i can clarify.

being in love was the scared part. being cheated on was the hard part. the hurt part of where you've been stabbed in the back by someone you love. or you someone you loved.

as i wrote another note...

one day i hope to love you again.

being this desperate, and wanting to love him again tears me apart. why can't i get over him? why is he in my head? it's like a broken record playing over and over and over again. i may be hallucinating.

as the bell rung, i quickly got up from my seat, and walked out the classroom. before speed walking past his locker, i swiftly slipped the noted papered heart in between it.

i hope he knows that it's not his fault. and it's not my fault either. he couldn't help his sexual needs.. or maybe he could've.. but he couldn't tell ME that... after all i do forgive him, him breaking my heart and not giving a fuck, actually gave me the power to say "fuck him."

instead of being a toxic ex. i decided to be a mature one. the one that can get away too, the one that has a heart. and knows how to forgive..

i do forgive him. i do still love him.. 9 months gone to waste? of us secretly dating and secretly being in love with each other. all of that for nothing.

i don't never wanna stop loving him, even if i do get the bad end. i know i'm making it a big deal, but i don't care.. i'm going to try to get my man back, even if i die trying.

"i hope you learn to forgive me.." i sighed to myself.

"please..."