astronomy • marlene mckinnon

fifty six

Mar,

Nothing's the same anymore.

I miss you, I miss you so much that it hurts to not have you in my arms.

At ten years old, I had known how my entire life would play out. Go to Hogwarts, get into Slytherin, be a good daughter and uphold the value of the last name I carry and then marry someone of a reputable family and be a good wife. At such a young age, I knew that I wouldn't be able to claim any of the fairytales I'd read for myself.

I never knew that I would have the luxury of falling in love with someone who had the power to smile and make the sun seem dull.

I know that I have left you in pain because of my actions, not just once, and I would never be able to forgive myself for doing so. And I also know that no sort of apology, if you would accept it, would make up for what you had to endure. I know that whatever I do, it won't bring back the way you looked at me like I was the only girl in the world, like I was the only person that mattered.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life.

When you had pressed your lips to mine for the first time, and I let you in, I told myself it was a mistake. How could we ever be together? Couldn't you see that I bring a wave of misery along with me?

You caused my heart and head to go to continuous war and if I could make it so, I'd let it happen all over again. My parents could never accept you as the person I loved but that didn't make me put a halt to my doings. I kept letting you in, I could never stop. I didn't want to stop. I couldn't bring myself to.

Because you, Marlene, weren't a mistake. You were the best thing in my life.

This war has taken too much from me, and I often get this feeling that it will continue to do so, that it will continue to take and take until I have nothing left to give. But I also believe that the one thing no one could ever take away is the love I hold for you.

It's funny because I hated you in the beginning. Maybe it's because I didn't know that I could have any other feelings for a Gryffindor half-blood girl. Or maybe it was because you were able to bring a smile to my twin brother's face, something which I had always sucked at doing. Regardless of the reason, I hated you.

The days went by and my distaste for you became stronger. You and all your friends, who had the life that I had always wanted and didn't realise the amount they had. But if I did, hate you so much as I claimed to every person who even so much as mentioned your name, why did I always wish for you to have that ridiculous smile on your face?

I fell in love with you in Astronomy.

I loved the subject and you hated it, and you made sure that the entirety of Hogwarts knew how much you loathed it. I never truly noticed you until we got paired up for that one project, but once I did, I couldn't stop my eyes from looking your way.

You would smile with your friends, you would make the most stupid jokes one could make, and you would never pay attention. You would do anything else except look at the bloody stars and write down their names on a chart.

It was frustrating because you didn't seem to realise that there were other people who actually seemed to enjoy the lesson. We got paired up and you continued with your behaviour and my annoyance grew, because couldn't you see how important this was? But still, I could never bring myself to tell you to stop.

Because as you continued to laugh each period, I fell more and more in love with you. I love you, Marlene Elizabeth McKinnon, I love you with every fibre in my body, with every part of my wretched heart.

I love the way you laugh with your whole body, I love the way you love, so very fiercely. I love the way you stand up for what you believe in and I love the way you never give up on something once you've had your heart in it. I love the way you never gave up on me, even when I had given up on myself. I love the way you run your hands through your blonde hair when you are nervous or the way your blue eyes light up when you're happy. I love the way your fingers would trace stars on my skin, but most of all, I love the way you smile.

I would do anything to see that smile again.

I bought a fucking cottage on the beach yesterday, can you believe that?

Some delusional part of me still feels that there's a chance that we might be able to make a life for ourselves there, that this war would be over soon and I could be free of the shackles that bind me to my family and I could come to you. That maybe, somehow by some great miracle, we could work.

It's been almost a year now since the attack on Hogwarts took place and the death eaters had to go back in defeat. We had all lost because the ultimate goal to cause Albus Dumbledore's death had not been achieved but I had lost more than that.

I had lost you but it was not due to death and what could be worse than that kind of pain?

I had told you that what we had didn't matter and it was nothing more than a distraction from what was going on in my life. But if that was true, I wouldn't be staring at the ceiling every night, holding the lavender scarf you gave to me for Christmas during our seventh year, wishing that I was with you instead.

I miss you so much Mar.

I miss your touch, your skin, your hand in mine, your fingers tracing stars, the sound of your voice, the tips of your fingers on my cheeks, your temper, your courage, your goddamn smile. I miss every good morning, every good night, every moment where I fell more and more in love with you. Everything.

I didn't realise it then, but you were everything to me Mar, and now you're gone. I'd give anything- everything I have to have you back. Because in truth, without you, I have nothing at all.

I love you, Marlene McKinnon, I love you more than I have loved anything, and I always will.

Though a small part would always wish for that to be with me, I wish you nothing but happiness for it would still bring a bit of peace to the war which is my mind. It would bring peace to know that you still have that smile on your face.

Shine bright forever darling, I believe you can.

Your starlight,
Astraea Black-Rosier

•

hi haha

with that act two is complete, i know many of you are probably mad at me w this but pls remember this is not the ending!!

theres a whole another act in my head waiting to be written down. however, following this, updates will be very slow bcs im busy with college applications and need to get in a good law school (pls pray for me). i will continue, there's no doubt about it, you guys aren't getting rid of my loves astraea and marlene this easily.

i js wanted to say thanku for bearing w me despite the slow updates, and if you decide to continue with reading. if you choose to not and take this as an ending i won't blame you at all. but thank you for choosing to read this and making it this far <33

alsoalso iris said it would be a culture shock for y'all so yeah i have a boyfriend now and literally everyone i tell is like "no way i thought u were gay"

okay thats it for me goodbye i love you all xx