Smiling Glooom

4

It has been quite some time since she decided to do something she has always wanted to do. Unfortunate as it is because it was triggered by yet another sad plot.

The way she was, never like this. Pretending. He was right but not for the right reasons. He said, that I have one in my heart and shows another. I think he meant that because I have been so cruel to him, in a way he justifies it, it is not so much of the kind, happy and smiling face which I display.

Well, he was wrong as always Nate, my boyfriend said.

She is in love, but in her heart, she knows it is for all the wrong reasons. Nate is almost 10 years younger than her but when they started this, he knew very well what he was getting himself into and he constantly told her to not give her false hope of life forever he was wise for his age than her, which was all the more reasons for her to fall for her yet whenever she looks at him, she saw a picture of himself in his childhood looking like The One. She never told him that. If he knew that whoever has come after Him, the first one, he would leave her. They all would.

She fell for his kindness, the playfulness, the smiles and the constant laugh he brought upon her. He made her Laugh. It was more than enough for her to feel 17 again with him in her cruel life but he is no longer close by. He is thousands of miles and an ocean far too away and is busy starting his adult life, working and barely speaking to her.

She thought after a day or two whether it was time to break up with this one as she has always done so quickly with the other two. She always breaks up first. Whether it be her first, her friends or her family. He said it is my weakness that I can not make people stay.

Well, nobody can. Dont think I would stay and youre not going to stay too. We will have our time to depart. I just want to stay as long as I could and make these moments last. Nate replied.

It was moments like these that broke her heart as the reality hits her and for that to be hit by Nate. She lives in her fantasy sometimes but with Nate, she cooperates. He makes her do so. She is the person to instantly fall apart at something or the other. A single moment of loneliness would make her feel so depressed and fall into a pit of her dark thoughts but he would fight to make her laugh by saying some vulgar thing or even a cuss at a person on the road. It is impossible now for her to be without him though he is not always there. She does not share all the details of her day with him now. He just does not have time and she understands, but he makes up for it even in those five to six minutes of daily calls. It is enough for her to go on. It has been enough and she realized it too.

Im sorry Im saying these to you babe but you know I have no one else to. I keep too many things to myself and those monsters just eat me. She spoke.

That was a long-gone conversation she was remembering to keep her sanity. She lies on her bed in complete and utter darkness, listening to the sounds of the crickets chirping and the sound of her fan and slowly sinks into the silence of her own, her mind races with thoughts unknown to her even and suddenly her phone rings, even the thought of hearing that sound would make her heart beat faster and excited.

That feeling of being in love was just a mere attraction earlier. It meant nothing, other than a source of entertainment of some kind. Something that made her happy knowing, she was not completely alone and lonely.

But now that the phone is ringing, she smiles and looks at the name, rather than just two emojis to hide his name so that no one would know who that is when her phone rang when she was not around.

She has always been cautious when in love. With the person shes seeing and with the people around her. Because after her first she never thought about it seriously or always found the wrong one according to her family. Because the people around her would always say something, or do something to make it go away.

This time, she was happy, like a child. She loved that feeling that came with him. She realized she is indeed hooked on him, he has taken her soul, her time, her entire mind, now even when she just lies in her bed, she would think of him but she is still scared to see a future with him. Shes scared to plan things because it had always been unfortunate when she plans stuff.

Thats Nate for her. He has become it all and she was grateful for him.

He knows her family is looking for marriage proposals for her and he also knows that she is not happy to be married off. She often thinks about how to keep him close even if she had to marry and how to introduce him to everyone. She is afraid he would go away without even letting her put all those ideas into action. She never discusses them with Nate of course, but she knows his response.

Just live for today. It is enough, we will see about it when the time comes. I will stay with you however long I could and then we will figure it out.

Nate has his share of family problems. Sometimes she thinks they are graver than hers but he never makes weight of it or at least shows that he does not. She feels sorry for how it has turned out in his family for him yet he still smiles so brightly and loves people in his family. He amazes her. That character is amazing to her, the way he lives is just so mesmerizing to her. He has all the more talent and yet she was late to find it all out. He kept on surprising her with all the extracurriculars he has done in school but never boasted of it. He would casually mention those to her and she would just fall head over heels for him like a kid who likes candy and finds out theres more to it than what meets the eye. She always hopes that he finds something or rather someone better than her if she is not going to.

Nate, why do you love me?

I dont know, I guess probably I fell because I never had anyone ask me the things you have asked and cared for, not even my parents.

He replied, I should ask you the same then, why do You love me?

I mostly do because you have proven time and time again that you can make me smile no matter what situation we are in. Even when we fight you make me smile and I cannot be mad anymore, by the way, I hate it, babe. She laughs at the end saying those words. It was true. It is impossible for her to stay mad at him for too long. The minute he answers with the magical word she melts like an ice cream on a mid-summer day. She is truly happy with the relationship she cannot have forever. Then again, she wouldnt be here, forever.

She was not in love at first sight. She admired his qualities, his talk, his way of just being. She admired him a little bit more every time she got to know a little detail about him. Every time she would learn something about him, she would go crazy about how handsome of a personality he has got but never really discovered his full potential.

She wanted to push him so that he stayed on some fixed path and head on strong. In her way of admiring and hoping for whats best for him, they fell in love.

He is a realist. He knows that she might one day have to marry someone else, that she might fall in love with someone else because of the age difference, for he has time and she does not.

He also knows that she is strong on the opinion of not marrying and disappearing from her family. She might disappear from him if he ever finds a love better than her. She knows that too.

This is a strange love affair that they share. They both acknowledge the departure of someday, yet they both live in the moment.

Thats why when that phone rings, she answers it so carefree, without a thought of any strings pulling her down.