Dammit Cas (Destiel/Sabriel highschool AU)

Drunken Memories

\\Castiel's POV//
After returning home the night before, with the taste of Dean's kiss on my lips and a smile on my face, I tried to quell my happiness in front of my family. If they ever found out about me, I'd be disowned, or worse: expelled. So I tried to limit the skipping and the girlish giggling to where my family couldn't see me. Gabriel was the only one that knew, and I was determined to keep it that way.

Walking into school the next day, my eyes were bright and my spirits were high. But as soon as I saw Dean, my happiness dipped to an all time low. Something was... off. Maybe it was the way he only looked at me out of the corner of his eyes or the way he spoke in clipped, short sentences. Either way, he seemed different.

"Hey Dean!" I chirp, leaning close to him and staring into his fanfiction green eyes.

"Hey, Castiel," he mutters with a half hearted smile. I frown and step in front of him, blocking his path to chemistry.

"So, I had a great time this weekend..." I prompt, hoping to spark something in his unusually dull eyes. And something did spark, but it wasn't quite what I was hoping for.

"Did you? Sorry if I was a little out of it, I can't remember a thing! Drunk as a skunk, guilty as charged." He chuckles quietly, not looking me in the eyes. And it was a good thing he didn't, because at the moment, they were filling with tears.

"O-oh. I didn't even notice," I choke out, turning my back to him and walking faster. I could feel his gaze on my back but I made no move to turn around. There was no way he could have been drunk, was there? He hadn't smelled like alcohol, and he seemed to have his wits about him. But a nagging voice in my head taunted me. Of course he was drunk. Why else would he kiss some pathetic, weak, nerdy boy? Dean wasn't gay, of course he wasn't. It had been my imagination, this whole time.

With those thoughts, I was practically sprinting to the bathroom, determined not to let the tears fall until I had some privacy.

\\Dean's POV//
At that moment, I realized. I said to myself, "Dean Winchester, you are a fucking asshole." It was true.

Because, of course I wasn't drunk. Of course I remembered what had happened. Every small detail, like the way Cas's gentle lips pressed against mine and the way his hair felt through my fingers. I remember him kissing me, just like I remember me kissing him back. His skin, his hair, his lips. It was clear in my brain, playing again and again as I had lied to his face.

His face.

The way he looked, after he kissed me was beautiful; shocked and embarrassed and vulnerable. And then the way he looked after I kissed him back. It made my heart swell and just thinking about him brightened my day. Finally, the gay thoughts had caught up to me. Yes, I think I was in love with Castiel.

So why lie?

After my words he had folded, completely crumpled, and I could do nothing but watch as he turned his back and ran to the bathroom. Tremors rocked my body and I felt like I was going to throw up. Finally, I had found someone I could be happy with and that I was truly myself with, and I had shot him down with my bare hands.

I guess that's what I do. I let down the people that I love.

I can't say it was entirely my fault. My father, John, had made it clear for the few weeks that he stuck around that homosexuality wasn't supported. One week before he left, he caught me kissing a boy in kindergarten. I still had the jagged white scars, running down my back. Since then, I was terrified to even think I was gay. Until Castiel.

But some old habits just die hard and send the ones we love running.