yk what i realized
my coping mechanism is ignoring it
like when techno died i had a breakdown but was fine after a bit right
until it had been 365 days since then
then i remembered it
and had a breakdown all over again
AND IT HAPPENED AGAIN (non existent) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND OTHER HUMAN AND NON-HUMAN BEINGS
bro we werent even together for a week we were together for 6 days
its literally been 5 days since then why cant i just get over it
did i not say enough???
i was so close to opening up a bit more too
thats one of the worst parts
plus all it would take would be a second simple "you dont have to be embarrassed" or smth like that and i could go 'are you sure?' and if he responded affirmatively i wouldve started to open up
i also hate the fact that his friend was in on it too (ill call him j ig)
when he confessed afterwards he said that j told him to but he gave j back his money afterwards cause he felt bad for getting money for something he was already gonna do
but what if he was lying
what if both of them were just playing a fkkking game to see how much they could tug me along but eventually got bored when they noticed i was too fkkking shy or maybe just boring in general to get consistent good reactions
and when he broke up we were on call too he left to get j smth and j asked "if i asked you to break up with him, would you?"
i had a reputation to keep up (of saying cringe to every romantic thing cause its embarrassing to be down bad in front of my friends) and so i brushed it off saying "why? do you want him?" and then a bit afterwards the call ended
j asked me the same question again in dms, and i responded the same thing
afterwards he messaged me "lmao your answer" AND THEN PROCEEDED TO-
and his reasoning??
"long distance relationships are practically guaranteed to fail s-"
BRO ALY--- AND J---- (different j name) ARE IN A LONG DISTANCE TOO??? WHAT THE HELL
DID I NOT SAY ENOUGH??
DO YOU WANT ME TO DO MORE??
NO HESITATION IF THATS ALL IT TAKES TO MAKE YOU STAY
PLEASE
WHAT DID I DO WRONG
IT WASNT MY FAULT SURELY
BUT WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE BETTER TO MAKE YOU STAY
PLEASE
DID YOU WANT ME TO OPEN UP MORE
I COULD
I WAS ABOUT TO
BUT NO YOU RUINED IT
another bad part is i literally tell myself relationships suck and if they end you have another weakness to deal with plus i have major anxiety issues which leads to trust issues but i also trust and get attached too easily which ended up with me getting attached to my bsf who then replaced me in turn resulting to abandonment issues
YOU CANT DO THSI TO ME PLEASE WHAT DID I DO WRONG IT WASNT MY FAULY RIGHT PLEASE DONT LEAVE JUST LIKE THAT
AND HES NOT EVEN PHASED?? OR ANYTHING?? PLEASE WHAT DID I DO WRONG WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE BETTER
literally the day before i decided to stay up cause i couldnt sleep and i have these star post it notes
i started drawing but after a bit it turned into me just ranting on about how much he makes my heart flutter and how much i love him (cringe) (stfu)
btw those post it notes are like the perfect size for rants bro- anyways
AND THEN THE VERY NEXT NIGHT HE DOES THAT
i hate him sm
^ i dont
i still love him sm
i just hate myself for all of that
