Only Time Will Tell - A Peaky Blinders Story

Chapter 34 - Empty

It's been a week since Alfie had brought Cass home. She had to stay in the hospital for a few days, so he had chance to tidy up the house before she got discharged. He had started to get one of the rooms ready to be a nursery as a surprise, but now had decided to lock it and never give Cass the chance to see it. He couldn't let her heart break even more.

The couple were currently stood on a beach in Margate, looking at their son's name on the plaque in front of them. They wanted his existence to be known, but they also wanted a private place for them to come and remember him. Alfie had suggested Margate since he had such fond memories of it from when he was a child. Cass liked the idea since it was nowhere near anywhere else. She also liked the fact that it was calmer in Margate than it was in London and Birmingham. It was a nice place for their son to be remembered.

Alfie watches from the corner of his eye as Cass takes a deep breath. She hasn't been able to do much since she was still healing from the struggles of labour, and he was well aware that she was trying to put on a brave face. He steps closer to her and slides his hand into hers. Neither of them need to say anything. They know what they're going through and trying to talk about it will only make them feel worse. However, Cass hasn't just been upset about losing James. She's upset about the fact that she's going to have to watch Grace grow and Tommy become a father.

~Flashback~

"I can't wait for our kids to be born, Cass. They're going to be best friends, like we were." Tommy says happily as he relaxes next to his sister on the sofa. "Damn right they will be. Although, if Alfie has any say in the matter they might be working in the bakery rather than running around the fields." Cass replies with a chuckle, resting her hands on her bump.

"He's going to be a great dad, Cass. I can tell." Tommy then says after a moment of silence. "I know, and he's so excited. We even have a name picked out." Cass says, staring at the father of her child and smiling with content. "Do I get to hear it?" Tommy asks with intrigue. Cass just sighs as she contemplates her options. Either she tells him and risks the jynx or doesn't tell him and never hears the end of it. Telling Tommy won't cause anything bad to happen – or at least that's what she tells herself anyway.

"James Alfred Thomas Solomons." She finally replies, laughing at her brother's smug face. "I knew I'd be in there somewhere." He then says, sitting straighter as if he had just won an argument. "How about you and Grace? Have you had any ideas yet?" Cass then asks. "We've been floating some ideas around, but she doesn't want to tell anyone since they weren't exactly welcoming." Tommy replies. "Hey, I tried my best." Cass defends. "I know you did. It's everyone else that's ruined it." Tommy says with a small smile. "They'll come round, Tom." Cass tries to reassure, leaving them to sit in silence.

~End of flashback~

"It's all my fault, Alfie." Cass whispers as warm tears trickle down her face. "Stop saying that. It's no one's fault." Alfie says. "No, it's mine. If I hadn't have told Tommy his name, we would still have him. He'd still be growing inside me. It's my fault you're not going to be a father any time soon." Cass then says as sobs start to escape her throat.

Alfie just sighs and pulls her into his chest. He doesn't believe in any of this gypsy stuff, but he knows that she does and has been beating herself up about it for the past 2 weeks. If he was being honest with her, it was probably his fault if telling people their son's name was the problem. He had told all of his most trusted men the minute Cass said she liked the name. That's how he knows that this had nothing to do with what happened. It was just something that happens. They're lucky that there is a possibility of them trying again and succeeding in the future, other people aren't so lucky.

Cass pulls Alfie from his thoughts as she stands straighter and steps away from him. She quickly wipes the tears from her face before taking another deep breath in order to compose herself. She takes one last look at the plaque before turning away from it and walking towards the car, prompting Alfie to do the same.

The drive back to London was silent, as most of their interactions have been since Cass was released from the hospital. Alfie was dreading going back to the house because Cass would be straight back to bed rest, which was no good for her. She was left alone in their bedroom all day with nothing but her thoughts. It wasn't right in Alfie's eyes. What if she went to such a dark place that he could never get her back from? What if he's not there to pull her out of whatever trance she finds herself in? Twice already he has found her wandering the hallway at the top of the stairs as if she was looking for something that didn't exist, Cyril just blindly followed her like he has been the entire time she's been home. It took him at least half an hour to get her back to normal.

He's been considering taking a break from his business to help her to feel better. After all, he did go straight back to work since he was too much of a coward to admit his own feelings to her. He's never felt like that before. He wasn't even a coward during the war, he didn't allow himself to be one. So why was it ok for him to act that way now? Cass doesn't deserve to go through this alone, and that's what she has been doing. He's been leaving her to heal on her own, and that wasn't fair. The fact that he knows Cass wouldn't treat him in such a way makes him feel even more guilty.

This realisation promptsAlfie to make a silent vow. From this moment onwards, he is going to help Cass,and himself, through whatever pain they have to feel. He knows it's going to bea long road, but Cass's smile at the end will be worth it for him. As long asshe's around, Alfie can never truly feel alone. No matter how broken she is.