I'm back. It's so weird. It feels like taking drugs and walking into a cartoon world of your past life. I miss Serena. I miss home. I don't like being on my own. It makes me sad. I like seeing people I know. And places I know. And the people I know in places I know.
I did a dumb thing. I let myself believe that josh and I could just be friends after what happened last year. But I know that's not true. He wants me. He wants to kiss me and have sex w me prob. And tonight I kissed him. Why'd I do that.
It was impulse or reflex. I don't even think I did it because I wanted to kiss him that bad, but it felt very natural. Like giving a hug. I think. No. That's probably my sex addiction talking. Trying to justify it. I can't control my sexuality. I thought I could but I can't. I thought I could do monogamy. But it's hard I just want to connect with everyone intimately.
At least I didn't ruin the concert. There was a moment where I really wanted to touch him, but I knew that would lead to kissing and it would be bad. So I didn't touch and I didn't kiss.
I miss serena. I just want serena.
I'm having real doubts about Paris. Like real ones. How will I do it. Portland is hard and I speak the language. How will I possibly do Paris.
I'm also nervous about Seattle.
Tomorrow is my last day in Portland. What's on the itinerary?
Buffalo exchange
Waterfront?
Washington park
Tea cha te
