Izzy & Noah

Thirty-Seven: The Fork in Our Road

"I just want to live freely, without feeling weighed down. Yet it feels like the world's burdens are placed squarely on my shoulders. I understand, Katy, I do. But it hasn't been working for me. Every time I leave the oncology clinic and head to the neurology clinic, I feel this invisible force pulling me back. And honestly, I'm angry—very angry—that you didn't tell me the truth. I feel like a fool for falling in love with a man who's ill. Is this what honesty looks like in a relationship? Because it doesn't feel right to me. I can't shake the feeling that you all have been laughing at me behind my back, as if I'm the punchline in this twisted joke about trying to piece myself together.

I pause, letting my words hang in the air, then finish my speech."

Katy nods, understanding the weight of my words.

"No one was laughing behind your back, we were all surprised and shocked when we realised what a kind, selfless person you are. The love in your eyes, no matter what Noah is like, you were ready to accept him, you took him just the way he is. I wish someone would look at me the way you look at Noah," she says, offering me some food.

Chinese food - not Noah's, but good.

When was the last time I ate something hot?

I accept and take it in my lap.

I mumbled something, more to myself than to Katy.

My head is empty, my thoughts are empty.

I chew my food slowly.

˝I didn't know this was happening to you, I'm sorry, we've been so focused on Noah and his health that we've forgotten about you. That maybe you need some time to yourself, some conversation, some good food... ˝ she says.

˝I don't want to be a burden to anyone, I can look after myself.˝ I say as I eat. How many sacks of food is all this for? I'm not that hungry anymore.

And then it hits me.

Noah and Tom.

The front door opens.

My thoughts stop. Even the fork I'm about to raise to my mouth and stare at Katy.

Then at the person who used to be Noah.

Noah with black hair.

With a beard.

My Noah, the one I fell in love with, the one I loved, the one I calmed down with.

I just stare at him, the way he stops when he finds me.

My eyes fill with tears.

My heart is heavy. It is beating like crazy. I put the food on the bed, undressed and stood up.

The tears flowed slowly, first one, then another, then the rest.

˝Hello ladies. ˝ Tom greets us when he notices us and looks only at me, now he looks at Noah who just exists and looks at me.

Katy nudges Tom to go into the kitchen and leave us alone.

I'm still wrapped in a towel and naked underneath. Because today I don't care if I walk around London naked.

˝Noah. ˝ is all I say as I walk up to him and give him a hug.

His heart is going crazy too.

His arms are hanging off his body and it takes him a while to grab me and hug me back.

The feeling is new, like we've never done this before, but now it's different. It's not the same.

Something is different.