Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you

☆7☆

Ginny has actually been really mad at me ever since I told her I'm sort of dating Draco now.
And she was furious the first time she saw us together.I think she calmed down after a while, but she still sucks and refuses to give him a chance or even talk to him. I can partly understand her, but she doesn't even try to get to know the guy behind that put-on mask. In any case, I've separated my circle of friends and my relationship since the evening on the astronomy tower.
The holidays are over and I just got back to Hogwarts. And something is wrong. I didn't see or hear much from Draco for much of the summer holidays, and I haven't seen him at school either. He doesn't answer my letters no matter what I tell him. It's like he's gone and everything that was between us with him. The days we spent together were the best of my life. And also his, he told me that often enough. Sighing, I run my hands over the sweater that Draco left at my house for me to have one of his and look at the thin ring on my finger, a birthday present from him.
The ring is unremarkable, but if you look closely you can see how beautifully it is made. I don't know where he got it and I don't want to know what it cost him.It is a silver ring covered with micro-fine, small diamonds, in the center with a yin and yang symbol of a ruby ​​and an emerald.
More than just pretty to look at, because this sign has a special meaning that is not obvious at first glance.But Draco explained it to me: the red for Gryffindor, the green for Slytherin. And the whole thing as a symbiosis, a sign that it works and that they can complement and balance each other.
That's why I love this piece of jewelry and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world."Is something wrong?" Ginny snaps me out of my thoughts. I shake my head. "Nothing you want to know."
That's the answer I've gotten used to myself, to avoid stress, because then she'll know right away that it's about Draco. She puts a hand on my shoulder. "You are not feeling well. Did something happen?"
I shrug. "I'll pull myself out of the hole like I told you." Ginny looks at me apologetically. "You don't have to. You can talk to me." I tell her the whole thing in a nutshell and she doesn't look enthusiastic but listens intently. "So you think something happened to him?" she finally asks.
Again, all I can do is shrug. "I don't know." And then I feel tears welling up in my eyes.Not hearing from him drives me insane. I miss him so much my chest hurts and sometimes I can hardly breathe at night because I miss him. Not knowing where he is and how he's doing... it's hell. Umbridge was a blessing against that.Ginny takes me in her arms and I let the tears fall silently down my cheeks for a moment, then I pull myself together. Weakness is not an option. Life is too short for that.
"What do you want to do now?" Ginny then asks."Wait," I mumble and pull the sleeves of the sweater over my hands. "At some point he has to see me."

And that 'sometime' is two months later. Two damn months of counting and suffering every day, every hour, every minute. And when I see him again, I don't see the boy I fell in love with anymore.
He looks tired and worn out, his eyes are dull and somehow he seems ill. And when he sees me, he flees. All the air escapes from my lungs like someone hit me. My heart stops and I don't understand the world anymore.What the hell is going on in here? What in Merlin's beard is the matter with him?
Absolutely nothing happened between us that could induce him to behave in this way.
In the entire days and weeks following this incident, I am just a shadow of the girl I am.
Draco avoids me all the time, not even looking at me. As if we didn't know each other.
Ginny lies in bed next to me forever every night and comforts me when I cry my eyes out because I do. Y/n Y/l/n shows weakness on an unprecedented scale. And all because of Draco. There's no question that Ginny is getting angrier. She would like to kill him and I expressly forbid her to do so.
I love him and I don't think that will ever change.Maybe I can learn to live without him if we don't eventually talk about it and lose touch but just don't love him anymore? Impossible.
I drag myself through the castle. It is as if all spirits of life had escaped me. As I pass Moaning Myrtle's toilet, I hear someone crying. I stop hesitantly. Has someone thrown books through myrtle again?
I carefully sneak into the toilet rooms and freeze. If I don't know this body, who will? Draco is standing by one of the sinks, clutching the edge, and he's crying.
What, by Merlin's beard..
"Draco," I whisper, close to tears myself. I don't know if it's because I miss him so much even though he's only a few feet away, or because he's crying, or because I don't know why he's crying and yet I hope he misses me as much. He spins around to me and his eyes widen, he looks at me in shock.
"What are you doing here?" he snaps at me, wiping his eyes. "What's the matter with you?" I ask softly and take another step towards him."It's none of your business," he replies angrily. "And now fuck off!"
"Draco." My voice breaks. I feel helpless and small. And terribly lonely without him.Tears slowly run down my face as I look at him. "You should go," he only whispers now, but less convincingly than before. And then he takes a step in my direction, but then stops as if something invisible is stopping him from me.I shake my head. "Talk to me. Please.” My voice sounds pleading and that's how I feel.
"I'm not good for you, Y/n." He gives me a pained look and I can see in his eyes that he's close to tears himself. "Say something," I whisper. "Anything. Explain all this to me. Why.. what happened that you ignore me, treat me like i'm nothing? As if nothing had ever happened between us? Like this ring doesn't mean anything here and like we didn't do really well? What happened to us, what happened to... you?" A tear falls from his eye and with a long step he is with me and almost pulls me to himself. He hugs me like his life is at stake. Or mine."I love you." He whispers desperately and kisses me with incredible love and sadness."And you are perfect. You are everything I wished for and everything I don't deserve. And that's why I stay away from you, I'm not good for you. I'm not the one, even though you might think so." "What about me making you a better person?" I ask quietly, wrapping my arms around him tighter. "You are perfect for me. It doesn't matter what you are." He carefully pushes me away. "You might think so. But you are in danger because I love you. And I won't risk anything happening to you, do you understand that? And now get out of here.” I look up at him with tears in my eyes and shake my head. "No.""Stop being so dogged and stubborn," he whispers, and I see a desperate grin. “Stop being it in this matter, but never lose your fighting spirit. Only now, this once, you have to give in. I beg you, Y/n.”"No," I say again. "Exactly not this time. Not when it comes to you.”
He'll definitely push me away and walk backwards, but I grab his arm and he grimaces in pain.
My eyes widen and my stomach flips over. "What.." And he knows I suspect something and he tries to pull his arm away from me, but for a moment I'm faster. I push up his shirt sleeve and my heart skips a beat. I stare at his arm petrified and one of my worst nightmares comes true at that moment.
"What..." I whisper and look at him. And he suffers about as much as I do."That's not true." He clenches his teeth. "Draco." I look into his eyes pleadingly. "Why?" "I didn't choose it," he whispers now, staring at the floor. "If I had refused, I would be dead now. I must serve him, Y/n. It's too late now.""No," I whisper, stunned, shaking my head mechanically. "That's not true." Draco meets my eyes and I bite my lip to keep from screaming."And that's why you should go now. There's no going back, no plan B, Y/n. And if they catch your eye... you're in danger. I don't want anything to happen to you."
I breathe shallowly and just stare at him in bewilderment.My heart feels like it's tearing apart. My lungs hurt and I am unable to think or feel anything else. Draco comes up to me and kisses me. And I feel that it's a kiss goodbye."I love you, Y/n," he then whispers. "I love you like I've never loved anything. You're the first and only thing I love anyway. And that's why I have to protect you. And if that's the only way, then I have no other choice.""I love you." I'm hoarse and can hardly get anything out, but he heard me."Never stop," he murmurs, kissing me one last time. "Stay away from me. I'm sorry Y/n." And then he goes and just takes my heart with him. I don't need it anymore anyway.
Eventually my legs buckle under me and I don't know how long I sit leaning against a pillar crying before Ginny accidentally finds me. I don't tell her in detail what happened, but make up an excuse.
But this includes that we broke up. Suddenly. And that I should leave him alone. She doesn't say much but nods often and ends up supporting me until I'm in bed.She lovingly pulls the covers over me and sits on the edge of the bed. She strokes my head. "Try to sleep, Y/n. Everything will be fine eventually.” I nod stunned. Sometime. Perhaps. With Draco, but it'll never be good without him.
He's a Death Eater.At this thought, my heart contracts painfully again and again, because there is no solution, no way out. He told me that himself and it is so. Either he serves Voldemort or he dies.
The tears break out violently again and Ginny lays down next to me and wraps her arms around me. "You don't have to do this," I whisper hoarsely. "You know what? It's myproblem." "Shut up, Y/n," she murmurs. "I'm your best friend. Like I'd let you down."

And such evenings will follow in the next few weeks, every day.
I can't sleep, and when I do, I'm plagued by horrible nightmares, each related to Draco.During the day I wander through class like a ghost, and every time I see Draco my heart breaks a little more. And in the evenings I lie in bed and want to die, I don't get much sleep and in the end I'm just a shadow.
Ginny thinks I'm emaciated, but I don't notice things like that anymore. In general, I don't really care about anything. I can't forget all this. This loving, humorous, charming guy with whom I've spent so much time. One beautiful hour gave way to the next when I was with Draco and I've grown to love him so much that I've forgotten how it felt before he was there. I can hardly remember my life before him.After an hour of potions, I'm walking down the corridor as if by remote control, when suddenly a door next to me opens and I'm pulled into the room.I don't fight back, I don't give a peep. 'Cause I don't care It's crazy, but I don't care."Y/n." Goosebumps cover my body and my soul craves for more. More of that voice. For the first time in months I consciously see something, focus on something. On Draco. It's really him, isn't it? At least I hope I'm not imagining it.His gray eyes reveal a huge pain to me,fear and suffering. He probably sees about the same thing in mine. "Merlin," Draco moans now, stroking my cheek like I'm made of thin glass."Aren't you eating? You're skinny." I shrug wordlessly and stare at him. My brain can't process it right now and I'm very afraid that I'm only dreaming and that the bad part of the dream is yet to come. "What are you doing to me?" he whispers desperately. Then he gently pulls me to his chest and wraps me in his arms. I let my head fall on his shoulder and let my tears flow freely.I miss him so incredibly much, it's eating me up from the inside out.
"I can't think, I can't breathe, I can't do anything without thinking of you," Draco finally whispers. "Every time I see you.. oh, heavens, Y/n. I miss you so much. And this is an incredibly stupid idea. I'm putting you in danger again and I'm sorry, but I... I... had to hold you for a moment. You need to eat more, darling. You have to live without me.”"I love you." I startle at my own voice. It's incredibly thin and toneless, it's like I haven't heard myself speak in years. He presses his lips to mine, then whispers, "I love you. Please forgive me." And then he's gone, like that time in Moaning Myrtle's toilet. Only this time the pain is already there. For a little moment he was gone, but I feel so empty, so dull.
I can't help but wonder if it was a good thing or a bad thing that he told me he missed me because I'm afraid I'll just cling to that hope like a drowning man and it'll probably kill me sooner or later.
I don't tell Ginny about this, but I decide that I'll try to make the best of this.
For Draco.