To the Beach and Back

Chapter 13

I used to have the tenacity of a honey badger.

Not when it could have done me the best, unfortunately, like in high school or my brief college days. But there was a time in my life when if I set my mind to do something, I did it, without my usual hemming and hawing.

Like with my first office job with a temping agency.

I had lied on my resume about knowing Microsoft Word and after being assigned to a position at a popular spice manufacturer, I spent my entire weekend pouring over a Word instruction manual until I had it down pat by Monday. Or when I made an oddball goal to read 100 Harlequin romance novels over one of my pre-Nick single-girl summers and not only did I crush this goal, but I also even wrote one of my own.

Granted, it wasn't great. But I finished it.

And then there was that wintry day when Nick took me sledding at a local golf course after we've been dating for one month ... back before I hated cold weather. A group of high schoolers were also there with snowboards and their serpentine-like whooshing motions down the hill mesmerized me so much that I asked one of them if I could give it a try.

"It's harder than it looks, ma'am," one of them said, his acne seeming to have icicles hanging from them.

His comment sparked something inside of me.

Call it a competitive spirit or adversity to him saying "ma'am" to someone in their mid-twenties, but I instantly became obsessed with making it down the hill without falling. I was so determined that I spent nearly an hour on that snowboard, falling time and time, landing on my ass more times than I can count much to the high schoolers' amusement. 

Nick was in awe at first, but as the sun began to set, he suggested I call it a day. One last chance I told him, gathering my grit and making it all the way to the bottom of the hill, cheering and hollering for myself. Of course, I could hardly get out of bed the next day and I've never tried to snowboard again, but that brief victory was mine and Nick was impressed.

He was also impressed when I learned how to landscape after we bought our first home, a small split foyer that was overgrown with weeds, yucca plants, and half-dead trees that turned into a charming oasis of rose bushes and evergreens. Then there were the epic fund-raisers I planned for Wesley's travel baseball team, the multiple 5k's I ran, and my determination to learn Spanish before our ten-year anniversary trip to Mexico.

Tuve éxito which if I remember correctly, means I succeeded!

But then something started to change. I started to change. My tenacity faded, with determination slowly morphing into doubt. My goals failed, habit streaks were broken, and gathering the energy to take on a challenge just became way too exhausting.

Total fallé. Total fail.

I have tried, so many times, to once again gather my competitive spirit, reading countless self-help books, scripting goals in pretty new journals, and downloading nearly every habit tracker out there, but I'd always fail, feeling worse than before.

But there's something about Dave's Ocean City Bucket List that is bringing out those lost tinges of tenacity. For the first time in years, I feel driven ... truly driven, to complete something, regardless of how inconsequential it may be. I mean, making a sandcastle? At my age? And giving the fact that I hate sand? It's hardly life-changing, but if it means getting something checked off the list, well, then, hand me a shovel.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm desperate to show Wesley that I can be a fun person. That I'm a human being, and not just his nagging mom. Maybe I also want to impress Allyse. Or maybe I just really want to know who lives at Sandpiper Island, a challenge between Nick and I that has still gone unchecked. Regardless of the reason, I am finishing the damn list, even if it means doing paddle board yoga.