feeding the fire

4 - the diary

chapter 4 - the diary

soundtrack: crush by ethel cain

ʚ‎‏ ͜ ̩͙ ︵ ̩͙ ୨ ♡ ୧ ̩͙ ‏︵ ̩͙ ͜ ɞ

I thought about Simon when I woke up.

I thought about him while eating breakfast and on the way to school.

I thought about him even at school - in class, at the lunch.

Even on the way home and during the dinner.

And I fell asleep only to the thought of him.

This is how I survived the last weeks of school. And then school ended and I started having more free time. The days were getting longer so I began to visit Sara more and more often. Her parents were very nice and they had a pretty big house with plenty of space.

Sara had a beautiful room with pink walls and a big wardrobe full of books. When we were together, most of the time, we just read books and got lost in good stories. She had all kinds of books there - fantasy, drama, romantic. My favorite ones were those about romance. I always imagined how it would feel to be the main character.

In her wardrobe, she hid a big secret - she had "forbidden" books behind her "regular" books. Those hidden books had erotic stories filled with sexual imageries. When she showed me a book like that for the first time, I was shocked. Me, an innocent obedient girl with Christian parents have never read anything like that.

Sometimes, we had a sleepover at Sara's with Sylvia and Lucy, but we never showed them these erotic books. Sylvia was even younger than us and Lucy had very strict parents just like me. Unlike me though, she agreed with them in everything. 

I had a similar secret place for books like Sara in my shelf with school supplies, but it was much smaller, so I could fit there only one book - my diary. It had to be hidden, because if my parents ever found it by any accident and read some of it, they would most definitely die. I wrote there mostly about Simon. I wrote there about Easter ball, all the details - every touch, every eye contact we had, everything I noticed about him. The spark in his eyes, the smell of his cologne, his shaky breath.

I had such strong feelings towards Simon that I didn't know how to deal with them. I was too scared to tell anyone about it, even Sara...what if Simon found out? He would think I'm inappropriate and never talk to me again. He was older than me, even though I wasn't sure how by how much.

Sometimes, I imagined how it would be like if I had my first time with Simon. I was inspired my Sara's secret books. I started coming up with my own stories including him and writing them into my  diary. It felt so forbidden, so sinful, but so right.

I always made sure to put my diary back into its hidden spot... until that fateful day, when I fell asleep in the middle of writing something.

When I woke up, I couldn't find the diary. I forgot I even wrote there something the day before. I went to the bakery for pastries. After thirty minutes or something, I came back. I closed the door and spotted my mom with a pissed look, holding some kind of book.

"Welcome home, miss."

My eyes fell on the thing she was holding. Oh my godness.

"M-m-mom?"

This was the end of everything. Amen.

"Will you please explain to me, what the hell is going on inside this book?"

"How did you... how did you find this?"

"I was vacuuming in your room and found it on the ground, next to your bed."

My breathing got faster. "That's my diary."

"Oh, I know." mom gave me a sarcastic smile. "I know everything, Elise. I know how fucking disgusting you are."

Those words ripped me apart. I wasn't ready for that.

"Mom... that's my privacy. Why-"

"You're my daughter, I need to know what's going on in your head!" she started yelling at me. "Who the fuck is Simon?"

Tears started streaming down my face. "It's... it's a guy I met on the Easter ball."

"Why did you write about..." she opened my diary and turned a few pages. "the two of you, making love under the stars?"

"That obviously never happened, it's a completely made up story."

"Why do you write stories like that?" she started yelling even louder.

The thing is... even I didn't know.

"I-I... because... I like him..."

"Enough, young lady!" mom slapped me.

I wasn't expecting that either. It stung so much I still felt her touch on my face, even after a few seconds. 

"You can't even imagine how lucky you are that dad isn't home. Because if he was... he would fucking kill you."

I grabbed my sore cheek and stood there in front of her. I felt so small and and vulnerable.

"This was the last time you did something like that. Understood?"

I nodded my head obediently. 

"You know what the bible says about... making love." she looked me dead in the eyes. "You don't wanna throw your life away. You want to stay pure. Okay?"

I noddded my head again. I really wanted to defend myself, but I was too scared to speak up.

"From this moment - no diary, no unholy thoughts and NO SIMON!"

"Mom, we met once. I didn't have sex with him! He doesn't even know my name!"

"But I don't care about him. I care about you." mom looked at me with such disgust. She was so disappointed in me. "You're evil. You're perverted!"

Ashamed, I covered my burning face with both my hands.

"Because I'm such a good mom and I still love you, even after I found out who you really are... I'm giving you a choice." she came closer to me. Intuitively, I stepped back, bumping into the door. "You will go to your aunt and uncle to St. George  and you'll stay there for the rest of the summer. You'll live with them and help your aunt in the shop. And of course, you'll visit the local church every single day. You'll have no time to even think about Simon the gigolo."

She lowered her voice, as if someone was listening to our conversation.

Helping my aunt in her bankrupt shop? Oh, hell no.

"Or... you'll go to the annual christian summer camp from our parish. They will take good care of you as well, I'm sure."

I didn't even hesitate. "The summer camp."

I wanted to die.