Grape Juice (By the Border, #1) ✓

10

To Winona Santiago,

If only you knew how much I resented you while I was still alive.

You have never been present since seventh grade. Wala akong maalala sa panahong nakaramdam ako ng bahid ng pagmamahal galing sayo. Ni hindi ako sigurado kung may ganoon ba talaga. Your care and concern might as well be a myth.

Hindi ko maramdaman kung mahal mo ako, o may nagmamahal sa 'kin. Matagal ko nang kinikimkim ito pero hindi naman siguro masamang aminin dito. I haven't felt loved for the longest time. Is it bad to hope you won't cry once I die, because I feel like you don't deserve to be sad? You should've cared. You should've been there for me when I needed you. I wanted to feel cared for, but I'm afraid it's too late to hope for that.

***

Patapos palang ako sa pagluto ng hapunan noong umuwi si Mama galing sa trabaho. Agad kong binitawan ang sandok at kawali, nagmamadaling ipinunas ang mga kamay ko sa suot na pajamas dahil sa kaba. I kept my head hidden from plain sight, using a good part of my overgrown bangs to help with the job. 'Di nagtagal ay narinig ko siyang maglakad patungo sa akin, at ang ingay ng yapak niya ay palakas nang palakas, pero hindi kasingbilis ng tibok ng aking puso. Bakit ang aga niyang bumalik ngayon?

"Sabi ko na nga ba, magbabago rin ang isip mo," panimula niya nang magkita kami. "Pulling a stunt like that is stupid, Wesley. I didn't raise a stupid girl."

I stirred the pot to prevent the meat from burning. "You didn't raise anyone."

"Manahimik ka d'yan at magluto nalang. Bastos." she retorted and made her way to the dining table. "Disrespectful brat. Always have something to say."

And she always had something to find fault in. "I wonder why."

"Bahala ka," kunot-noo niyang tugon. Speechless again? "Sabihin mo lahat ng gusto mo, basta 'wag kang tatanga-tanga ulit at gugutumin ang sarili. You're making me feel bad for something so childish."

Muntikan ko nang mailaglag ang kawali sa narinig. I was moments away from bursting and would've made a scene had my subconscious mind stopped urging me to let it go, to ignore the anger her words had caused me to feel. I decided against talking again, as I was afraid I'd say something that would get me in so much trouble. Ayoko na. Nakakapagod na. I didn't need that. Not when I had little time left.

"Wala na 'yong pera sa kwarto mo kanina. Kinuha mo? Kumain ka ba sa school?"

I froze. Thank gods it wasn't too obvious as my back faced her, but the question made my brain short-circuit. Wala akong ginamit sa pera, ni isang sentimo ay hindi ko ginastos. I pretended I was penniless just so I could spend nothing. Kenzie had to forcibly treat me to lunch because I was too persistent on refusing to fill my stomach with food.

Handa akong magutom para lang hindi magalaw ang extra allowance ko. It was such a blatant compensation for Mom's shortcomings that the thought of using it angered me and left no room for forgiveness. Walang paghingi ng tawad, walang maayos na pakiusap. Pera lang. Pera lang ang sagot para sa nanay ko, kaya hindi ako papayag na masunod siya. I might be unfortunate enough to have an apathetic parent, but I stood by my words and followed them religiously. It was a slow way to die, but I could only hope Mom would come to her senses and just cook for once.

"Hoy," tawag niya, "lapit dito. Patingin ng mukha mo."

I started stirring the pot.

"Wesley," mariin niyang tawag. "Pumarito ka."

Wincing, I stirred more aggressively, hesitantly hoping that the voice would make its way to my system again so Mom's warning tone would be drowned out by a worse one. Anything to make her stop. Umiingay na naman ang mundo ko at hindi ako makatago.

"Hindi mo 'ko susundin?" Before I could have time to react and avoid her hands, I was yanked backwards, her grip on my arm stronger than iron—even stronger than Kenzie.

Ang sakit. Sobra. Hindi dapat ganito kalala sa pakiramdam pero tila nalulunod na ako sa kahinaan. Hindi mabigat ang kamay ni Mama pero parang kinukuha ng kamay niya ang natitira kong lakas.

It shouldn't hurt this bad.

"Ipakita mo kasi sabi! 'Wag mong ipilit ang gusto mo!" Muli niya akong hinatak at muntik akong mapamura sa sakit. "Why won't you obey for once? Just follow me, damn it!"

With one hard swing, I managed to push her away. "'W-Wag mo 'kong hawakan," nanginginig kong asik, marahang ginagalaw ang mga braso ko't baka sakaling tumigil ito sa pagkirot. Nahuli kong kumunot ang noo ni Mama kaya sinubukan ko muling itago ang aking mukha, pero alam kong huli na. Nakita na niya.

Magagalit na naman siya.

Ang putla ko—sobrang putla dahil ilang oras na akong naghihina. Kenzie had already scolded me for looking like a corpse earlier. I denied so passionately, of course, and dashed out of the school the second our classes ended. She tried catching up, but the train saved me from another round of confrontation. Matapos ng mangyari sa cafeteria noong lunch break, tuluyan na akong napagod at mas lalong hindi naging handa sa ano mang argumentong makasasalubong ko ngayong araw. Imbes na makalaban ako nang maayos ay pagkakaawaan lang ako ng mga Valeria. Ayaw ko nang kainin ng kahihiyan.

It didn't help that I truly looked sick. Kenzie told me that I was. I was close to believing that I really was. Hell, I should be surprised I could still walk right now.

I did the only reasonable thing to avoid Mom, and that was to run to my room and lock the door to stop her from breathing the same air as me. Binalewala ko ang mga sigaw na narinig ko nang lampasan ko siya nang walang pasabi. It was beyond stupid, but I craved for nothing else than solitude after she hurt me.

Bumaling ang mga mata ko sa bintana. I'd forgotten to pull the curtains to cover the glass for privacy, but that didn't matter much. After a few good seconds of thinking about it, I spared my locked door a glance, grabbed my phone, wallet, a notebook, and my favorite pen from my bag, and opened the window. Wala pang isang minuto ang nakalipas ay nasa labas na ako at nagpapagpag ng pajamas matapos akong tumalon palabas sa bukod-tanging passage palabas ng kwarto ko. The freezing breeze met my shivering figure in an instant. Ang nipis ng aking suot at nakalimutan kong kumuha ng jacket.

I embraced the cold, only welcoming the warm air inside the packed night train. I squeezed myself in the last spot on the very end, then took a long nap as soon as the automated doors locked me in with strangers. Saglit akong napaisip kung may tinatakbuhan din ba sila tulad ko. Naisip na rin ba nilang mas maganda kung magbago ang reyalidad? Gusto rin ba nilang lumayo? Those were the last things on my mind before sleep won and cradled my frail body.

I had no dreams, nor was there any voice that interrupted the peace when the train screeching against the railway woke me up. I peeked outside, reading the small Station 21 that reflected the light from here. Ngayon ay apat na lamang kaming natira sa loob ng tren, at sila ay nakadungaw rin sa labas nang magsimulang umandar ulit ang sasakyan.

Wala talaga masiyadong lumalagpas sa Station 20 araw-araw. All we passed by were hectares of farms and empty fields of green, their vibrant colors not flaunted because of the black sky. It looked magical during sunny mornings, when no rain touched the grounds. Still, I kept my eyes trained on the void landscape until all the remaining passengers had left.

Then I saw it. I felt the train's floor vibrate as it came to a halt, and the small shed to my left showed in full display. From afar, I could almost hear the sea's waves crashing against the wet, mossy concrete that stopped the water from reaching this lonely vessel.

I finally stood, clutching my stuff as I exited the vehicle, the air now warmer against my skin. I beheld the twinkling lights that shone in the distance.

My eyes fluttered shut for a brief moment, taking everything in, beholding the north border before reality reclaimed me in its strong arms a couple of hours away. Pero sa ngayon ay wala akong pakialam. I couldn't, not when the tempting illusion of freedom presented itself to me. Para itong nang-aakit, iniimbita akong manatili nalang at kalimutan ang kaguluhang tinatawag kong reyalidad.

Sana nga ganito nalang. I imagined that this was the reality now, not the stained chaos that haunted me relentlessly. I was away from school, from Mom, from everyone else. I was here, lovingly embraced by the fresh air.

The north border claimed me for now.