Admiral ✓ (Completed, Review In Progress)

Chapter 32

I take a letter and run to my room.

Dear Leah ,
Christmas eve , tomorrow is the day of celebration and I'll finally get to see you do the play. Your going to do a good job I know that. Birth of Jesus ? Your playing as Mary ?. My , my they truly did pick a right person to play such a sweet role. It was for children wasn't it ?. I'm sure I'll be the hooded person among the play audiance wonder how much of shadow I should be buried in just so that you don't know who I am or find me. Wouldn't it be easier to find me amidst children ?.

But it's not exclusively for children is it ? It's obviously their parents would also come with them. Leah to be honest church is not my thing at all , it's something I don't go to , or like going even though my parents insist I do. They are too religious , but I feel like I don't fit in with them.

He doesn't fit in ? Can u see the irony ?. I would probably fit in with his parents but I would probably never fit in with the other kids who don't bind by my morals. My strict values make people think that I am boring and I don't have an interesting personality. Trust me even I feel that about myself sometimes like I never had an interesting personality. That's probably why Elissa is avoiding me. Maybe if I do drugs , maybe if I drink and party like other's maybe I will fit in.
I'll loose Steve though. I'll loose Alicia . I'll loose Nonnie.
But I'll get James.
I'll get Elissa back.

But just to see you over there just to see you Leah I'll come. because out of everything in this world the one thing I'm never tired of seeing is you. These letters may fade away , may crumble , may rot but my feelings for you I will take it with me to my grave even if u end up rejecting me I don't think anybody could replace you Leah , my soul is tied to yours. I feel the rope thats holding my mind with yours.

There is no after life.
I deeply believe that there is no after life at all. I belive in heaven and hell. I believe in god. But to a human , afterlife with your soulmate sounds like heaven doesn't it ?. Like they say "even if we aren't together in this life , I want to be together with you in another" reffering to after life. I'd say the same quote to James even though I don't believe in it Why does this letter make me feel like if I wrote a letter to James it would be somewhat similar. It makes me feel the one side love I have for him growing inch by inch.

His good looks is just an addition. But in reality it's not his looks. It's his talent his artwork. the way his hands move when he makes a sketch the way his eyes flicker with excitement after he's done with the painting. In those two months when I had music classes I would bunk and go and watch him. He doesn't notice my gaze busy with his work.

Shit. everything I see or hear I'm relating it with him. It tells me that I don't need physical touch to be able to love someone , I don't need to keep talking to them and know them to be able to love them.

Love is blind they say.

It cannot be more real. I don't even know him properly. But would I Still accept him if his grades dropped ?.

I would

Would I still accept him if he looses his hands , legs or eyes or everything ?.

I would.

Would I still accept him If his face is dismorphed with scratches on them.

I would.

Would I still accept him if he lost his voice ?.

I would.

Would I still accept him If he goes mad or if he's short tempered?.

I would.

Would I still accept him If he attempts to injure Me.

I would.

As crazy as this sounds. I wanna be there for him at his highs and lows.
At this point I really don't know if why I feel this way towards a person I barely know. I fell for him because of a list of things I admired about him. But the more I met him the more I spoke to him I realized its far beyond that. I just can't explain why I love him. I don't have any reasons. Not anymore.

Would I die for him ?

I would.
I continue to read the letter.

I don't need to know you personally to love you , its something so much beyond that , I feel like I'll accept your flaws even if I know you deeply later. I can do that , but Leah after I confess to you , and if you reject me. I'll be so shatterd but I will be even more shattered if you completely block me out of your life. I would still be a good friend and an admirer who will look at your life from afar , even though it will kill me inside If you end up with someone else I will still be happy that you are happy.

Yours ,
Anonymous.

They tell me that in this world you have at least seven look alikes. But how many of them have the same personality of you ? How many of them mirror your personality. As I'm holding this letter I'm seeing myself , I'm seeing my feelings. It exposes everything that I have buried inside. I don't know if this person's one side love for me is influencing me to feel this way about James. At the same time I wonder howmuch of my thoughts are burreid deep inside that need to be triggered to be made known to me.

I lie down on my bed lost in thoughts, My bangs scattered over my head adjusting my nose ring.
Tears leak down my eyes. Why am I so bothered about my one side love about James that when I pluck my eyes from studies all I see is him. This is haunting me.

I remember , the first time I saw him. Years back. I knew how he looked , just don't know his name. The quiet boy who flips through the books. I always wondered what's on his mind. He would be the only one who doesn't enjoy his breaks.

The person I know who's so hardworking , and so serious actually goes to parties for free beer. Actually smokes and drinks and takes break from a tiresome life. Actually saved me from Brendon the other day. I take a deep breath a shudder goes through my body my heart tightens.

I hear a knock on my door. Steve comes in with coffee mug. His eyes gaze into mine.
"are you okay ?" He asks me. I nodd and we sit down.