SUGAR

12 OF HOLDING YOUR BREATH AND NEVER LETTING HIM KNOW

i can't help but see the beauty in him,
even if i can only
observe it from afar.
i have accepted that he is untouchable for me
but still,
i wish so badly to be bathed
in his light.
to witness the beauty up close and personal.
i don't need him,
i know,
but this desire keeps trying to disguise itself
as a gnawing need.
this desire, now sated by persistent force,
wanted to be a
requirement.
i cannot force him,
i cannot even tell him of these feelings.
it's complicated.
i don't love him, can't love him—
not yet.
i am just so painfully, viscerally attracted.
i want to know him like i know
the layouts of every place i've ever lived.
i want it to be
intrinsic.
i want to show him me.
i want him to know my heart inside and out
i want
to hold his heart in the palm of my hand,
to show him
it's safe to let me see his everything.
i want to experience
the bliss of falling in love with him. but,
i don't deserve him
and he will never need me—
not for that,
not for anything.
i don't understand why it's so hard to let go.