100 Things •JB•

Part 9: Confessions

What I was doing was wrong, and I'd known it since I agreed to let him come with me to New Zealand, but my selfishness had stopped me from doing what was right.

The plans had changed. Justin would decide today whether or not he wanted to continue with me. I was going to be fair to him. I held his hand and cleared my throat, because I could already feel the tears building up and he would hear them in my voice, "We need to talk when we get back to the hotel."

He looked wary, but nodded. We called a cab. The ride back to the hotel was strange. I could say it was almost tense. Tense for Justin because he didn't know what was going to happen, tense for me because I knew exactly what was going to happen.

Justin held me close in the elevator ride up to the room, placing a soft kiss on my temple. It almost made me not want to go through with it. Preserve our happiness. But then I thought about Justin. I was only thinking about him. I wouldn't prolong this. I wouldn't make him brake harder.

When we walked in and Justin shut the door, I took a seat at the edge of the bed, and said the words as quickly as I could, so I couldn't back out, "I'm sick."

Justin remained in the middle of the room, not making a move to go to the couch, or join me on the bed. His face was serious. He nodded, "I've figured that much, Fi."

I cleared my throat, but when I spoke, you were still able to hear the building tears, "I have cancer."

This moved him. His mouth formed and O, and he moved quickly to me, dropping to his knees and grabbing my face, "What?" He barely whispered.

I nodded, the tears welling up in my eyes, I managed to choke out, "Leukemia."

"Oh my God." He whispered, just staring into my eyes, the only emotion he was displaying was complete shock. "Why are you here? Hospital. We have to go to a hospital." He said pulling me to my feet and starting towards the door.

I shook my head, tugging on his arm, "No, Justin. They can't help me anymore."

He turned to me, his eyebrows creasing and his eyes shining, "What do you mean? They can help you, Sofia." He said, in his matter of fact way, but his voice was shaking.

I shook my head, "They said the chemo probably won't work Justin, not a second time." He had to understand.

He shook his head, "What? What are you saying?"

The tears were now pouring out of my eyes, "I have two weeks left, Justin. I'm going to die."

He shook his head, his eyes hard "No you're not. You're not going to die." He said strongly, as if he said believably like that, then it would be true. I wouldn't die if he said I wasn't. If only he could do that. Save me.

I grabbed his face, and looked him in the eyes, "I'm sorry, Justin. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

He continued to shake his head. He was in shock, or something. He backed away from me and he was walking up and down as I stood there and tried to stop crying. "You're going to die?" He asked, completely disbelieving. I just nodded, tears pouring relentlessly. His eyebrows creased and he let out a long breath as he continued to pace back and forth, "You're dying."

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should go and hug him, or kiss him. He seemed so distressed, like he had no idea what to do either.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked breathlessly, his eyes squinting, his mouth in a grimace.

I just shook my head, "I wanted it to last a little longer."

He sighed and continued pacing, his breathing heavy. He suddenly, said, "I can't. I can't stay here." And he walked to the door, and left, slamming the door behind him.

I dropped to the floor, sobbing, trying to catch my breath, waiting for him to come back. He had to come back. It had been almost ten seconds before Justin busted back into the room. I looked up, my tears slowing slightly. He had the most intense look on his face and he said, "I almost made it to the end of the hall."

I hiccuped, "That far?"

He strode over to me and picked me up, connecting our lips. We were needy, desperate as my legs wrapped around his waist. "I love you." He said in the few seconds he pulled away.

"I love you so much." I gasped whenever I had the chance.

Justin had me supported with my back pressed against the wall, "Don't leave me." He said, his voice breaking before his lips found mine once again.

Tears slipped from my eyes as the only answer I could give him was, "I'm sorry."

"Sofia." He whispered, but his voice cracked, again. Not a second later, tears started to pour from his eyes. I thought I knew heartbreak; I swore I'd heard my heart crack before, but I'd go through everything that'd ever hurt me - Four rounds of chemotherapy even, if I never had to see Justin cry, again.

The pain was immeasurable, and I just wanted it to stop. I grabbed his face and tried desperately to kiss away the tears, but they were pouring steadily and I could do nothing but talk to him.

"Justin, I'm so sorry." It was the only thing that I could muster. The only words that would float from my mouth. I was so sorry. Sorry that I'd let him get so attached that he'd break like this. Sorry that I chased him through the doors in New Zealand, because I was selfish. Sorry that I loved him and couldn't bear to let him go. Sorry that I still wouldn't let go of him, until I wasn't strong enough to hold on anymore.

"I wish you'd told me sooner." He whispered, his tears slowing so that they were now only falling out of his red eyes every few seconds.

I nodded, "So you could leave. I know. I'm sorry." my voice was thick with tears.

Justin shook his head and held me closer to him, "So that'd I would have known to hold you a little tighter. To kiss you a little more often." He was whispering the words against my lips, and when a tear of his fell, I could feel it against my face, "Tell you I love you a little sooner. Thats why, Sofia. You should have told me, so that I'd know to enjoy it while it lasted."

The tears flowed down my face, as I wrapped my arms around Justin's neck and held him as close as was physically possible - as if holding him tight enough would keep me from slipping away.

I didn't want to die. Not anymore.