Say Hello to the Stars

Chapter Nineteen

"Again."

Ms. Hyler isn't taking this slow. "If you want to succeed, you have to do it again." she says.

I swear if she makes me go over my lines one more time, I'm going to pass out. My heart is already racing, and I can't do this anymore.

I hate this. They said I can do this, but I can't. You can't just get rid of anxiety. It's a leech that latches on to you, and takes a hell of a lot of effort to remove.

God, I wish I was homeschooled. I wish I could be there for Andy, but I can't, and I hate that he knows that.

The thing about anxiety, is that it's unexpected and it's unexplainable. No matter how hard I try, no one seems to figure it out. Because it's not something that you can understand. Every case, just like every human, is different.

I begin to hyperventilate. The class stops all activity and stare at me. Many people are shocked, because they thought I was faking. No one believed Ms. Hyler when she said I had social anxiety.

She wasn't lying.

Ms. Hyler quickly grabs my arm and escorts me to the nurses office. She throws me on a cot. "Lay down, it may help." She says.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I shouldn't of tried out for the play. It was a stupid decision, and I'm sorry. I wish this could be undone this all, because it's causing excess trouble in everyone's life. I'm sorry I screwed this up."

She moves a piece of my hair. "Oh darling, you didn't screw anything up. I put my faith in you, fully aware of the problems you may face. You've been so strong, and I know that you're trying as hard as you can to make this easy. Don't worry about everyone else, because they understand. We're all here for you, Annabel."

I smile faintly. "Thank you."
The nurse ushers Ms. Hyler out before asking me a series of questions; did I hit my head, hurt myself, faint, etc. I answer no to all of them, because I didn't. She allows me to rest for 20 minutes before I return to the auditorium. I rehearse my lines perfectly, and help paint the sets before I go. This kid, Parren, started making conversation with me. And it was easy, considering that he's deaf. I didn't necessarily have to talk, and that gave me comfort.

Andy picks me up after, and I head up to my room. I bury myself into my bed and ignore the world around me.

I wish my parents were here.
And I wish that my anxiety wasn't.

Andy knocks on my door. "Hey, you okay? Would you like to talk about it?"

"I don't really know what it is, but I guess you can come in."

Andy sits next to me on my bed and strokes my hair. "You've stopped taking your medication." he whispers.

"I was feeling better, so I stopped."

"But the medication will help. That's what it's for. I know it's not your favorite thing in the world, but it can help boost your happiness. You'll be able to talk to more people."

"I don't want to talk to more people." I say.

He tucks a piece of hair behinds ears. "It'll help you get through the play. The show is in a few days, and trust me, you can do this. You're one of the strongest people I know."

My voice catches. "Even the strongest people can break."

He looks at me. "And that's the reason they're so strong, because they've been broken."

My voice gives way. I swing my feet over the side of the bed. Should I be doing this? Did I do the right thing? Standing on a stage in front of hundreds of people is not the ideal location for someone with social anxiety. Sometimes I barely want to leave the house, let alone perform.

I'm the reason they moved the performance closer. It's self explanatory, really, but I still feel guilty. I shouldn't allow people to set the priorities based off of myself. It's selfish.

But sometimes it just has to be done. If they didn't move it up, I would've never auditioned. I'd be in my little invisibility bubble, and kids won't know my name. Life would've gone on as it should.

I want this to be over before it even starts.