Wilderness

Wilderness 1: Fear of Attachment

Oh, how eloquent it is!

That the lines can still be this pretty.

Even eager to tear apart,

Yet it is meant for fulfillment.

Oh, turn your eyes and see!

Her terror eyes became,

Shinning!

"Lord, Why do I need to feel the pain of loving people around me? Wouldn't it be convenient for everyone to just feel the love? I've been praying to you to teach me how to love like you do, but why do I need to suffer from the pain of being left by them?"

For half of this year, 2023, I've been wrestling with God about the pain of being left alone. I fully understand now why I had to go through that pace of life. I want to love like He loves us, and in order for me to learn that, God wants to deal with my trauma. When I was a child, our parents way of loving us was to sacrifice the moments we could have had just for us to have a better way of living. They needed to go abroad. Yet, because of that, I unconsciously develop the fear of attachment. Every time people try to approach me, I always build an imaginary wall because I know that at some point they will leave me, pinpoint my weaknesses and will reject me eventually. My relationships with my Lifegroups and some other people have always been like that, and again, I was unconscious of my actions. People envy me because of how I see things in every situation without knowing that behind all of that is a fear that God wants to remove. I can't fully give my love; I can't fully give my commitment; I can't fully trust people; and I can't fully develop good relationships. Why? Not because they are the problem but because I, myself, don't want to take a risk like the Father did. Jesus sacrificed His life for me, and who am I to ask Him to teach me how to love like He does when I refuse the training, the steps, and the healing?

We must be able to love others around us naturally. He knew the suffering He would have to go through when He made the decision to save us. Our love for people is imperfect on its own, but when it comes from Him, it is immaculate and perfect. God is love. Don't allow your love be defined by all of your former relationships. It goes beyond that.