Triggered: Do Better (Reloaded)

20.'

Tracey's House

Steven's Point, WI

2:05 pm

*Christmas Day*⤅

It was Christmas Day, and Jordan had the misfortune of ending up at my mother's house this year. The most special time of year is made for family, friends, and relationships to thrive at their peak, with nothing but love, warmth, and peace in the air. Watching the children laugh, the romantic or nostalgic movie, and the music that makes you want to smile no matter how hard you fight against it.

*Jordan's POV*

"Whose fucking idea was it to have Christmas on Saturday this year anyway?"

During this time of year, I'd rather be alone or with my friends than alone in this house. After unpacking my toiletries and gifts from my duffle bag, I walked over to the Christmas tree I set up last weekend. I decorated the tree with lights and ornaments to give the house a Christmas feel. Even though I wasn't here to see the tree, I'm sure my mother appreciated the gesture. Although I wasn't expecting anything from my mother, I still got her a Christmas present. It wasn't anything special—just a small necklace with her initials on it—but the sentiment was what counted. I'm sure she won't even wear the necklace. I refused to match her evil and negative spirits out of spite; someone needed to step up and be the bigger person. There wasn't any reason to spend the holidays in misery; as long as my conscience was clear, I was satisfied. I placed the gifts I purchased for my mom and older brother; he was supposed to be coming home next week, but I didn't want to stay here with them. I left his PlayStation controller wrapped up underneath the tree and stepped outside to take a walk around my old neighborhood.

I was scrolling around my old neighborhood, soaking in the scenery, and couldn't help but think of the last Christmas I spent here. Last year, I was so unhappy that my mother didn't get me anything that I ran outside and walked around the neighborhood, and I came back happier than when I left. Watching the neighbors enjoy their Christmas morning. The adults sat on the porch drinking and talking, simply enjoying the holiday as a family, and relishing the smiles on their children's faces, while the young ones played outside together, showing off their new toys and gifts.

Making my way deeper into Steven's Point I walked up to my old neighbor's house and knocked on the door, awaiting the answer. The old couple a block down always looked out for me and my brother Aiden during the holidays; they knew about our mother's relationship with drugs and men and always watched after us for her. So, during Christmas, they would always invite us over for a nice meal and give us stockings full of candy and small toys. They were like grandparents to us. After moving in with Brittny, I wasn't around to see them much lately, so I decided to go over there and spend some time with them today.

When the door opened, I felt myself being drawn into a tight embrace, instantly melting my heart. The scent of peppermints and the sight of Christmas lights along the house's walls welcomed me; it looked, smelled, and felt like Christmas in this place. After a long and much-needed hug, Aunt Mae invited me inside, taking my coat off to hang it up on the rack. It felt good to be around family today, especially since Brittny and Ivory were both at home with their families. I never felt unwelcome by any of my friends or neighbors in their homes; the only time I felt unwelcome was in my own home. It wasn't easy growing up and spending so much time with the Smiths; I hoped my family would be like theirs. I would even bring my brother over for a home-cooked meal every once in a while, until he graduated. I just wish things were different with my family, but at least I have people who genuinely look out for me and want to see me succeed in life, even if it's been years since they've seen me, like Aunt Mae and her husband. When I'm back here with them, it always feels like home.

I didn't plan on staying there all night because I had to head out at midnight to go back to Ivory's house and do our gift exchange with the girls, but I wanted to spend this season with the people who enjoyed the holidays and were high in spirit. My mother's house was dreary, and the only Christmas decoration was a fake tree I bought from Walmart to liven it up. I hadn't even seen my mother today, but I assumed she was laid up with some man spending her Christmas playing stepmother rather than being at home with me. Honestly, I didn't need her negative energy dampening my spirits on my favorite holiday. The snow was scheduled to fall early tomorrow morning, so I was going with Britt at midnight to drive over to Ivy's house to get snowed in so Brittny could store her car in their garage.

I'm proud of the family I created for myself and my friends. I overheard James and Christopher talking about going to the movies when the snow melts, and I'm honestly excited. I've been missing Christopher a lot lately. We'd sit on FaceTime for a few hours whenever we had free time, but we never had privacy since we were both spending the break with our friends. So, I'm looking forward to seeing him at the movies, and it'll be our first time over with everyone. The most we'd do is hang around at a park or smoke and chill at someone's house, so going to the movies should be a nice change of pace for all of us. I'm sure Brittny and James have been out all day together, and he's already taken her on a few dates during this break. They're still pretending to be friends, but I know they're more than that, and honestly, I'm very happy for my friends. She deserves pure happiness, and he needs someone like her who'll speak up for both of them.

After sitting down to an early dinner with Aunt Mae and her husband, I was beyond elated. I didn't realize how much I needed to be here until the nostalgia set in. I remember racing around their house as a kid with my brother and the other children in my neighborhood. I remembered how much they watched out for us, but since I was so little and oblivious to reality, I never realized how much they tried to protect us from our mother and her bullshit until I was a little older. I didnt realize how important it was for me to have strong motherly advice until I got older and started understanding my mother's behavior wasn't acceptable. Most children complain about their mothers hovering over them or being too harsh on them. But when you have a parent who doesn't even notice when you get home or only looks for you when she needs your help, those stern lectures and tough love moments are sought and appreciated.

I sat at the table listening to Aunt Mae with a smile on my face. Aunt Mae poured life and knowledge into me; it was like she could tell my emotions just by looking at me. I was comforted by the sound of her voice and teachings. The sound of her voice warmed my heart, and I could feel the love radiating off of her every word. Even though she was giving me advice, her words didn't offend me. I could accept criticism from her because I knew her intentions were pure. I never had to disguise who I was with her; she was one of the only people who witnessed my entire development from diapers to now. From the first time, I experienced a manic episode through the most difficult times of my life suffering from my disorder. Between her and Aiden they were the light through the tunnel. 

When I was little, Aunt Mae told me something that stayed with me:

"We are not meant to be perfect; we are meant to be whole."