Secrets and Lies : Conrad Fisher

he'll come around 

I stepped out of the doctors office with a picture in my hand. It was so tiny yet it was a ticking time bomb, ready to blow up my life at any minute, the doctor told me I was six weeks. i'm pretty sure if I'm correct it happened when me and Conrad were drunk at a party, he practically ignoring me all week so he was trying to be better but it wasn't really working. but that day i'd miss him so much and he didn't want to talk so he just keep kissing me and I stop trying to get him to talk. I must've forgot to take my pill. I know it was my fault.

I remember when we talked about kids once he came over on a Friday after school, because he didn't want to see his dad. we were making food in my kitchen, laughing about some stupid thing he did when he was a kid, he talked about how one-day many years from now we will get married and settle down and have kids, but then he kept on going, saying how he didn't want that now, of course he wanted to travel the world and not settle down till we are at least 26, he always talked about how he wanted to live before we settled down.

my doctor talked about how I could get an abortion, give it up for adoption, or keep it. I know that I could never give up my kid. I know the second i looked at it . I wouldn't be able to let them go. I don't know if I can go through with an abortion either and then there's keeping it but how would I keep it? I'm going to uni. I'm studying photography and life has just started and what would Conrad say would he tell me to get rid of it. wold he tell me to keep it. or would he just walk away and leave me all alone.

if this had happened last summer, I probably would've told Conrad straightaway. We would've figured it out together, i would have cried and he would have reassured me that everything was gonna be okay, but he's not the boy from last summer and I know that he will be angry and blame me, we will have a fight I just don't know if i couldt go through that I can't let my baby go through that.

because even if he doesn't want it, I think I do

when I got back everyone is getting ready for the book party. I had been gone for so long. I was just driving around, thinking. The boys are all sitting on the couch. I walked in and sat next to Conrad. He was playing a game with the boys , but he barely looked at me. I know he's mad. He sent me a text at lunch, asking where I was. I didn't see it until I got home.

I decided to go upstairs and get ready. I had a shower. By the time I got out and walked back to me and Conrad's room. Conrad was sitting there on the bed.

"where were you today" i could tell he was angry, but I really wasn't in the mood for it, "out " answered, simply, i grabbing my hairbrush and started brushing my hair I didn't look him in the eye.

"out where, you were gone all day" "I just went for a run and I decided to go for a drive and get some food. What's the issue"

"But you didn't even text me" I let out a bit of a laugh "your one to talk" I didn't even mean to say it, It just slipped out. I've just been bottling up my feelings for so long i'm scared I'm gonna to burst.

"What's that supposed to mean" ok now he is pissing me the fuck off  "don't act stupid you barely pick up my calls or text me anymore. I have to drive to your house just make sure you're alive. When I get there. you are normally drinking or at a party, after i finally track you down you don't talk to me you just get more drunk and then all you want to do is fuck" I don't even know where that outburst came from, but he can't pretend like he doesn't know. so I keep going.

"you Used to talk to me about everything so don't get angry at me. when I don't text you back because you haven't done that for months"

he looked up at me, shocked, like he didn't realise he was treating me like this, like he was oblivious. he walked towards the door, mattering, a whatever under his breath, the second he slammed the door. I broke down tears falling down my face as I put my hand on my lower stomach, what happened to him, what have I done that is so bad.

I'm so sick of waiting for him to come around if he wants to treat me like shit, that's fine , but I'm done taking it. I deserve better, my baby deserves better.

about 10 minutes later I calm down, did my make up and put on a blue summer dress with a slit down the side and got my leather jacket.

I spotted Belly in the halls she told me all about her date. I'm so excited for her. I want her to be happy.

when i got to the kitchen everyone was standing around talking,No Conrad insight, but i spoke too soon as he walked through the door frame is that what you are wearing" ignoring everyone else in the room. "yeah so" I asked with an annoying tone you could cut the tension in here with a knife

"it's a little low"

"so?" I asked not understanding what he meant

"so you shouldn't be wearing a dress cut like that" 

"I can wear whatever I want" i told him,

"not that"

"fuck of" I told him as I walked past him and out the door decided I was gonna wait for everyone outside I can't spend another minute in there

Belly had already left for the book party, i sat in the front as J Drive, Conrad and Steven in the back. he had not spoken a word to me since our little fight, when we got there, Conrad was just drinking in the corner, and i was talking to J and my brother

I walked over to con grabbing the bottle out of his hand " I think that's enough" he tried to grab it out of my hand but we are broken Apart by my mum waving con over. He just rolls his eyes and walks over to her.

about half an hour later, I realise I need to go home I asked my mum if she could get a ride with Susan and I could drive her car back. I told her I was just didn't feel well

"honey are you sure you're okay you have been acting weird lately and you just keep telling me you're tired but are you feeling okay"

"i'm find Mum Conrad's just been a dick at the moment"

she gave me a sweet smile "he'll come around here he's having a bit of a hard time right now"

I just faked a smiled as she gave me her keys