Grape Juice (By the Border, #1) ✓

21

I could still run away.

If I wanted to, I could pretend the Valerias didn't exist. Avoiding them like a plague would be a piece of cake, treating them as strangers I passed by whenever I rode the train running across the entirety of Arden.

Hindi nakatulong ang pag-iisip. I still cared. Still felt like shit. Still grieved over a death that hadn't happened yet.

Napansin iyon ni Mama noong sabay kaming mag-almusal kinabukasan, at dahil hindi ko ito nakasanayan ay nagulat ako sa bahid ng pagkabahala sa kaniyang mukha. I took it as a good change, which it was. Unfamiliar, but good nonetheless.

"You don't look okay."

"I'm not," I admitted.

"Mind sharing why?"

"Ayoko, Ma."

She nodded in understanding. Wala naman siyang magagawa kahit pilitin niya ako, pero alam kong hindi na niya gagawin iyon ngayon, 'di tulad ng nangyari noong nakaraan. 

We continued eating in the sheer comfort of mock solace, occasionally filling the dead air with short, meaningless talks. Maraming beses ko siyang nahuling nagnakaw ng tingin, marahil ay nangangating malaman ang dahilan sa likod ng aking lagay ng loob.

Pero walang maireresolba kahit pa ikwento ko ang bumabahala sa akin. It wouldn't change a thing because fate wasn't ever in our favor, anyway. Our relationship was rocky, too—opening up about a dying friend after years of pent-up resentment towards my mom wasn't the best course of action to take.

Pakiramdam ko ay matulin ang paglipas ng mga araw. It was as if the whole weekend shrunk into a few hours of peace, and the currents of time washed over my sanity. Hindi ako napahinga ang aking utak kaiisip, at kahit tulog ako ay tila gising pa rin ang aking diwa. Sleep still came late at night, invaded by voices and dreams that suffocated me in more ways than one.

When I woke up on Monday morning, I didn't need to look at the mirror to know I had dark circles under my eyes, almost mirroring the abyss I thought I fell in moments before my consciousness brought me to my equally damned reality.

Tulad ng dati ay wala pa rin akong pananabik na makabalik sa eskwelahan, pero sanay na ako. I battled with the urge to sleep through the morning classes. I was worried that if I gave in, some bastards would take that as an invitation to mess with me, even with Kenzie sitting beside me. I had enough problems to last a lifetime already. Tulad ng dati, wala akong ibig na gastusing enerhiya sa kanila.

Ngayon ko lang nabatid kung gaano ako napagod mula sa pang-aapi ng mga tao sa akin. Maybe it was weighing me down right now as I used to think it never mattered. Ngayon ay wala akong ibang gustong gawin kundi takasan ulit sila, o gumawa ng eksena para mapaalis sila. 

I remembered how the voice was often the loudest whenever Zeus and his stupid goons entered my line of sight. I used to not give any more than two shits, really, but now I wanted to slap their faces with a chair.

Or maybe I was plagued by these violent thoughts because of something else.

There were three minutes left before the bell rang to end lunchtime, and Kenzie bid her goodbyes an hour ago as she had to attend basketball practice. Nakatayo si Zeus malapit sa chalkboard at pinipilas ang lumang pintura sa v-in-andalize na pader. His eyes were on me, hungry for mischief and trouble.

"Seems like your bodyguard isn't coming to class this afternoon, Miss M," he taunted. "Pinayagan mong mag-sick leave?"

"Manahimik ka."

That surprised him. I surprised myself, too, because I never talked back to them, never snapped since they started crossing the line in seventh grade.

It was somehow fulfilling despite knowing I made a wrong move when Zeus's expression darkened. "Excuse me?"

"Bingi ka ba? Sabi ko, manahimik ka."

"Gago ka ba? Hindi mo nilulugar 'yang tapang mo, Santiago."

"Sabi nino? Ng delusyon mo? Kailan ba ako natakot sayo?" taas-kilay kong tanong. "You've always wanted me to fight back, and you never stopped crossing hundreds of lines because I was never giving you the satisfaction of seeing me break the way you want me to."

"Anong pinagsasabi mo—"

"And maybe this wasn't about my dad anymore," naluluha kong dagdag. "Siguro ay sadyang malaki lang ang galit niyo sa akin. It doesn't really matter anymore, dahil simula pa no'ng una ay wala na akong pakialam sa inyo."

I figured now was the right time to grab my shit and leave, so I did, hugging my bag so it shielded my upper body. It'd barely help if Zeus decided to hurt me, but I didn't really have the luxury of time to think. "I know the gods don't answer my prayers, but I sincerely hope you end up in the deepest pits of hell," mapait kong saad.

"You're so dead, you piece of shit," he spat, now seething in anger, his fists clenching, ready to pounce. "Pagsisisihan mo 'to—"

"Oh, dying is easy," asik ko habang papalapit sa may pintuan. Ilang minuto pang pananatili rito ay baka kung ano na ang masabi ko. As more words left my mouth, I felt more...naked. Exposed. Open. The sensation was too foreign and a little scary, but I welcomed everything. "Even hell is better than this shitty school. Alam mo rin siguro kung bakit."

Then I ran. I ran faster today than I did my whole life. It wasn't out of fear that Zeus would burst and come for me like the hungry wolf he was. Gusto ko lang na umalis at lumayo bago pa mamuno ang boses sa utak ko.

I never feared Zeus, or Madeline, or every asshole that hurt me. No. I feared the unseen. It lived inside my head, forming a colony of destructive thoughts and ill memories.

My body was on autopilot, only getting pushed back to the present when I was already standing outside of the Valerias' apartment building. Sa kanang gawi ko ay may mga kotseng nakaparada sa garahe. 

Nilibot ko ang tingin ngunit hindi ko makita ang kotse nila. Kenzie described what it looked like before: navy blue, large enough to cater to eight people with ease, with a long, curved slash on the right side that ran along the doors. Klein always had it parked on the very end of the lot, nearest to the gate as per his daughter's request.

Wala ang kotse nila rito.

Pero nahuli ng aking paningin si Kenzie na palabas palang ng gusali. May buhat siyang dalawang malaking bag, ang mga mata niya'y pula at namumugto. Her feet dragged across the asphalt before she halted her steps.

"Wesley?" nanginginig niyang tawag, boses niya'y pilit na pinalakas. Kenzie struggled to look at me directly. Sniffling, she watched as I jogged towards her, and albeit confused, she let me take the bags without a word.

"Saan ka pupunta? Ba't andami mong dala?" tanong ko nang dumapo ang atensyon niya sa kalsada. It was painfully obvious that she was rushing. Why was she rushing to leave?

Kenzie blinked and turned to me, now about to cry for the nth time today. Only gods knew how long she'd been like this. "Limerence. B-Binalik sila siya ro'n, Wesley. Sinabihan ako ni Mom na 'wag nang pumasok ngayong hapon para madala ko na itong mga gamit niya, p-pero..." She paused, struggling to breathe. "A-Aalis na siya."

"Novah?"

Hindi ko na kailangang marinig ang kaniyang sagot. Kenzie nodded just as fresh tears started to flow from her eyes.

Cheers, Wes, his words cut through my head, not to bring ease, but to remind me of what was bound to happen. As I stared at his sister losing strength from this chaos we were tangled in, I inhaled sharply, squeezed the bags' straps before releasing them, and decided to let myself feel what was right this time.

"Halika na," ani ko, at umiiyak siyang kumapit sa aking braso. "Sasamahan kita."