Grape Juice (By the Border, #1) ✓

23

Mom was preoccupied by the hospital's sickening white-clad palette when I found her.

She sat on one of the benches by the lobby wearing a cream shirt, gray cardigan, black pants, and the pair of loafers she loved so much. Iyon ang pinakahuling birthday gift ni Papa sa kaniya, at ang talampakan ay malapit nang bumigay, pero patuloy niya itong sinusuot kahit saan.

"I still hate hospitals," I said as I approached her. Gulat akong nilingon ni Mama, at nagpakawala siya ng ngiting hindi umabot sa kaniyang mga mata.

"I figured. Made me wonder why you're here, of all the attractions in Limerence." Standing up, she pointed to the open exit from a distance. "Mas magandang pagtambayan ang garden."

I'd take anything that wasn't this stuffy hospital.

I walked alongside her with longer strides, writing a mental note to never forget that she walked abnormally fast—a habit she couldn't get rid of because of Dad. I didn't mind. Hindi naman kami madalas magkasama ni Mama, nasa parehas na espasyo lang nang hindi humihigit sa walong oras tuwing gabi. We didn't have the mother-daughter-picnic-dates type of relationship, so she could walk as fast or slow as she wanted and I wouldn't care.

"Our last memory of Weston was in a hospital," aniya nang tumigil kami sa harap ng mga palumpong na pinalamutian ng mga lilac at roses of sharon. "That's why you hate this place, right?"

Hindi ko maipon ang lakas na sumagot dahil oo, tama siya, at hindi magawang aminin iyon.

"Your friend," she went on, "he must be special."

Oh. "Oo. Siguro."

"Siguro?"

I had more to say, but I only shrugged. "He and his sister make school bearable, I guess."

"His sister...Kenzie? 'Yong babaeng sumagot sa tawag ko?"

I nodded. "Siya ho 'yon."

A wave of awkward silence washed over us for the good part of the conversation, and I already thought of dumb excuses to leave when Mom began walking again, then stopping when she saw a cluster of daphnes from another bush. "I haven't been a good mother to you."

That woke me up. "What?"

"But know that I'll give this parenting thing another shot if you're willing to let me," she continued. "Gusto kitang maintindihan, Wesley, at mangyayari lang 'yon kung sasabihin mo sa akin ngayon ang sitwasyon mo. What happened? Why are you here?"

Sasabihin sa kaniya ang sitwasyon ko? Easier said than done. Mess up and it's over, the voice warned, but I rejected the thought. It might be the end of whatever this was, if I could call this a mother-daughter relationship, though we didn't have one from the start.

Pero maaari ko pa ring subukan.

"I've been...writing letters," I had managed to say in spite of my quivering voice. "I keep them hidden in my room because you never go there. I...I write the things I wished to say but couldn't because I..." I released a heavy, pain-filled breath, and I swore I felt the weight leave for a moment. "I realized I didn't wanna leave. Ayokong umalis, ayokong mang-iwan, ayokong mamatay. I just wanted to stop hurting."

I waited for her to say anything after that confession. Heart thrumming, palms sweating, I waited. Pagsisisihan ko bang umamin ako? Would Mom change again, never to be redeemed, even after death?

Would I even want death to win now?

"I know."

Gods, help me.

"I know about the letters," Mom went on, and I couldn't speak, much less move, as I tried wrapping my head around her confession. "May nakita ako sa lamesa ko. Naiwan mong bukas ang pinto. Hindi ko sana babasahin ang laman no'n pero nakita kong naka-address sa akin. Then I found the others while cleaning your drawer because it was so messy," she said. "I didn't mean to read them. I thought they were for school—"

"Hindi niyo ho kailangang magpaliwanag. Naiintindihan ko naman."

"I'm sorry," she insisted, and I could only think of how ridiculous I must've been in her eyes this whole time. Siyempre naintindihan ko. Dapat ay maintindihan ko. I had to, because if I didn't, I was afraid that if I didn't die from all this sadness, I'd slip away from reality's grip and choose the comfort that lies had promised to give. Hindi ako handa roon.

"There's no use in saying sorry, Ma. Nakita mo ang mga liham ko. End of story."

But she shook her head. Disapproved. She didn't want it to end, and the only right thing to do now was ask why, but I didn't even have the guts to know. Hindi. Wala akong kasiguraduhan.

"Bakit ayaw mong ibigay sa mga kaibigan mo?"

"The letters?" I was tempted to laugh. "There's no point. It's too late now."

"You can still try."

"Some things aren't worth trying. And others..." Others are like me. "Others choose not to."

"Bakit?"

Dahil mas mahirap bumitaw.

That wasn't from the voice.

Giving them the letter means letting go of Novah.

"Just because."