Christmas passed in a blurry haze of joy, laughter and presents. I saw my friends and family after a long time and could finally sleep in my comfortable child home bed. I ate a lot from whole course meals to sweet deserts and watched tv with a full stomach and sleepy mind.
And suddenly it was over and I was back on a flight with only two more months left in Italy. I had to study for two more exams and try and enjoy the time that was left.
I thought a lot about our conversation, about how you left me and the words that weren't spoken by you. I still wondered what I wanted to say. What you couldn't say. And what I would know. I tried to put you out my mind but then I would be left with an empty feeling trying to fill itself. It pained me and I hadn't told anyone about you, so nobody had heard of you and the feeling you left behind.
Back in Italy I saw my friends again, and started studying in coffeeshops. A routine of studying everyday formed in various coffeeshops and friends apartments, where we tried to study but ended up talking a lot. After studying I went home with my hands deep in my pockets and my chin and mouth covered in my scarf. With my headphones on I stared before me and walked without really thinking of anything. Back home I was greeted with warmth and my roommates. We talked I made food watched a tv-show and then went to bed. And then the day was repeated. Sometimes my friends and I got dinner somewhere or got some drinks but pretty much every day was the same, together with the same old empty feeling.
One day I walked home in the rain and the song played where I had met you for the first time. I stood still heard the rain through my headphones and looked around, but no figure was running towards me. No person in need of an umbrella completely drenched showed up. I swallowed hard feeling tears welling up in my eyes. I had to pause the song no longer being able to hear it. I took a shaky breath I walked further, removing my headphones and wiping my eyes with my left hand. I felt embarrassed a lot of times, the feelings I had seemed so ridiculous I hadn't even know you that long and we weren't even together. I did not want to tell anyone how deep the mark was you had left behind.
But then one day I thought of you in my apartment while cooking, and once again tears came one rolled down my cheek and before I had time to wipe it away my door opened and my roommate came in greeting me cheerfully. I watched her, feeling completely naked as she scanned my face realising I was crying. Quickly I turned around walking away from her, but she didn't accept that. The water that was boiling started foaming and I went to the kitchen as an excuse and put out the fire.
'What is it?'
'Nothing, really' But it didn't sound like nothing when I said that, my breath was shaky and it came out very weak.
She let out a breath sounding concerned 'You can tell me.'
I turned to face her trying to show that it was nothing but I could feel my nose prickling and eyes turning red again. So I faced my food again.
'Please tell me.' She reached placing one hand on my shoulder.
My head fell down and suddenly all tears that I've held in came streaming down. She went in for a hug and waited patiently till the flowing waters turned into drops and the shocks disappeared. When finally I felt like I could breathe again and I could face her all that came out was a 'Sorry.'
'No, don't be.' She smiled at me. 'Let's sit down, and you tell me what's bothering you.
So we did I sat at the table and she sat in front of me, but I needed a few seconds before I talked about you.
'It-, It's a someone.' I breathed out. 'Someone I met, that came into my life, filling it completely.'
She nodded, showing that she would listen to the full story giving no judgement, I felt more confident.
'It's just that it's gone now.'
'What?'
'The feeling, the all fulfilling feeling that I was liked, maybe loved. That I was somebody to someone, that I meant a lot to someone. And I miss it, I crave for it. Sometimes it's all I want, more than anything, more than my dreams, passions, anything really.'
I buried my face in my hands not believing what I had just said out loud. Feeling the embarrassment of my words I had so long not dared to tell or even feel, but it was true. How sometimes all I wished for was to be loved. I didn't like it, I knew I should want more than that.
'Do you think that's bad?' My roommate tried to look at my face buried in my hands. I lifted it.
'Yes' I raise my voice a bit with my answer.
'Yes of course.' I whisper.
'Well, it's not bad. You can want to be loved, but maybe you should figure out why you feel that's bad feeling like that. Why do you think you feel that way?'
'Wha-, I-, I don't know' Confused by her question I wondered if she knew why.
'Well, figure it out.'
'But how.'
'Don't know.' She laughed a bit.
I laughed too, feeling my tears dried up on my skin as my mouth curled into a laugh. She held my hand softly and then stood up.
'Now what were you making, because I think that pasta is overcooked by now.'
I laughed stood up and we both tried to save the pasta, but it was a lost cause. It sticked together like one big pasta and tasted like jelly. So we threw it away. After eating something else we talked a bit more and went to sleep.
