I have to head back to California. She's ignored the fact that I'm leaving entirely, and I haven't pushed her. Brie comes back tonight, and my plan is to leave in the morning.
She's sitting on the floor, a notebook in her lap, glasses perched on the end of her nose as she writes. I watch her while I play mindlessly, glad she kept one of the guitars I gave her. I don't think I've seen her touch one in ages, but I've been able to play it for the past few days, and I even got her to sing with me once. Even if she's not saying anything, she's been quiet today, and I know she doesn't want me to go yet.
"Honey, can you hand me the pen on that table? Mine just died," she says, holding her hand out. I grab it and lean over to hand it to her, and she gives me a small smile. "Thanks."
"I really do have to leave in the morning," I say, hoping for a conversation.
"I know that."
"Are we going to talk?"
"About what?"
"About what we're doing." She finally looks up from her notebook and tilts her head at me. I wait for her to say something, but she goes back to writing. "Stevie, put the book down." She hesitates, but ultimately sets the book down and sighs.
"No. I don't want you to go. Is that what you want to hear?"
"Can you stop being a pain in my ass for like, 5 minutes?"
"What do you want me to do, Lindsey?"
I want you to stop hiding. I want you to stop pretending that the rest of the world doesn't exist. I want you to come back to Los Angeles so we can start our lives together. I also can't say any of this out loud, so I frame it differently. "I'd like to not leave you here."
"You know I can't go."
"Baby, listen to me," I say seriously, getting onto the floor with her. "I'm going. And I love you, but if we're going to be together, I want to live my life with you. I'm not going to hide here."
I can tell this is exactly what she was afraid of. She knew what I was going to say. She starts to cry, and my heart breaks. "I can't go with you," she says, and her eyes widen a little as she realizes what this means.
"I can't stay here, honey." She crawls onto my lap and wraps her arms around my neck, sobbing onto my shoulder. I hold her and hope something clicks, that she'll leave. That she'll come with me and we can start working through whatever we need to work through. She doesn't say anything, and my heart sinks. I'm really going to leave her here, and I don't know what that means. I want to drag her kicking and screaming onto the plane, to remind her of what she's missing. To show her that there's life beyond her grief and her guilt. I also know that she has to make that choice.
Brie comes in and finds us, and I see her standing in the doorway, her brow furrowed in confusion. "Mom?"
Stevie whips around, suddenly in mom mode, jumping off my lap and wiping her eyes as she stands to greet her daughter. "Hey baby!" She runs to her and wraps her in a hug, and I'm struck by how much Brie looks like Stevie at that age. Long straight hair, big brown eyes, tiny frame... she's as beautiful as her mother is. "I'm so glad you're back," Stevie says, still holding on to her.
"What's going on?"
"I just... we were talking," she says, glancing at me, her voice still a little shaky. "Brie, do you remember Lindsey?"
"Sort of. I've heard a lot about you," she says, smiling shyly.
"It's been a long time," I say, trying to return her smile, but distracted by how tightly Stevie is holding onto her daughter's arm. How is she going to survive like this?
"Have you eaten, baby?"
"No, I thought I'd check in and then go grab something."
"We'll come with you," Stevie says quickly, looking at me hopefully. I nod my agreement, and wait for them to get ready. Brie is amazing. She's also Stevie's anchor, and I know how much pressure she's probably feeling to take care of her mother. She's only 18. She has to be planning on college. My mind races and all I can think about it what comes next. Do I talk to Brie? At what point do I try to push Stevie? I'm so afraid of making things worse.
Stevie brightens up now that her daughter is with her, and dinner is comfortable. We take our time, and hours pass before I walk the girls back to the house. Brie looks exhausted and heads to bed quickly, leaving Stevie and I alone again.
"She's amazing."
"She's an incredible kid," she says adoringly. "She's my world."
I collapse onto the couch and relax, and she sits down on my lap again, her arms around my neck as she cuddles up to me. She plants soft kisses all over my face, and I feel her fingers tangle in my hair. "Let's take this to the bedroom," I say, getting a giggle out of her as I stand up and sweep her into my arms.
I make love to her as many times as I can, not sure when or if we'll be together like this again. Neither one of us falls asleep, but we have no idea how to say what we're thinking, so we lay there silently, touching each other and trying to absorb as much of this moment as we can. My plane leaves in a few hours.
When I finally rise, she gets up and walks to the door with me, pulling her robe around her tightly. I turn and look at her when I get to the door, and I see her eyes glistening. "I'm sorry, Lindsey. I'm not ready."
"I love you so much," I tell her, pulling her into a hug. I hold on to her for as long as I can before I open the door. She looks so fragile standing there, and I have to force myself to walk away from her. I have no idea how I have the strength to do it, but it's my turn to leave this time.
