She still calls to meet me for lunch, which completely surprises me. She shows up looking completely put together, smiling and kissing me on the cheek. I know better than to bring up what happened last night. She's clearly putting up a front, and you aren't in a position to tear it down. Yet.
"Are you ready for tonight?"
"As ready as I'm going to be, I guess," she says, fiddling with her bracelet. "I'm a little nervous."
"Why? You're more prepared for this tour than you've ever been."
"I'm also older and fatter and really not sure if I can still do this."
"Of course you can," I say, slightly surprised at her lack of confidence. "Stevie, this is what you're best at. Of course you can do this."
"I don't need a pep talk. I'll be fine," she says, suddenly defensive.
"Yes, you will," I say confidently, and let her change the subject. She talks about Brianne's dancing, pulling out her camera to show me photos, and I let her spend the rest of the lunch telling me about every competition she's been to over the summer. She loves talking about her daughter more than anything, but I can't help but be heartbroken. I was the one that wanted her to settle down and have kids. It should have been me.
I push these thoughts to the side and smile, trying to encourage her to keep talking. This is so much easier to handle than a meltdown, and she's so beautiful when she's smiling. She senses that I'm not really listening and stops, looking at me with an amused smile on her face. "Are you even hearing what I'm saying right now?"
"Of course I am," I say, pretending to be offended. She smirks, knowing I'm lying, but I just laugh. "You really are beautiful."
"I didn't think you still thought so."
"I've always thought you were the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."
She shakes her head dismissively, but I swear she lights up a little, which makes me smile again. "We should go, Lindsey. I need to start warming up and getting ready."
"Of course," I say, standing and waiting for her to get to her feet. I instinctively put my hand on the small of her back and guide her out the side door of the restaurant and walk her to her room.
"Thank you for lunch."
"Thank you for calling. I missed hanging out with you," I admit, kissing her cheek.
"I'll see you at the venue," she says, ducking into her room.
As we gather before the show, she slides into the circle next to me, grabbing my hand. I give hers a squeeze to say hello as we listen to Mick talk, glancing over at her. Her hair is so much longer now, and her red lips are stunning. She notices me looking at her again and smiles a little before turning her attention back to Mick.
Soon, we're being escorted onto stage, and I can't help but be surprised by how easy this feels. Three hours completely disappears, and soon we're at an after party, celebrating the kick off. All I want to do is leave, and I say my goodbyes early, which everyone seems to expect. I lay in bed for a while, replaying the show in my head. It felt so good to be out there again. With her.
Jesus, I have to stop thinking about her. How can I when she keeps touching me onstage? When she holds me during Landslide, or flashes me that gorgeous smile at the end of the show? She doesn't belong to me.
My door opens again and she walks in, dressed for bed, her face bare. She looks upset again, and I just open my arms. "Honey, you've got to talk to me."
"I'm not ready to talk yet."
"I don't think it's a good idea for you to keep coming in here like this."
"I know. I just can't be alone, and..."
"I understand," I say, kissing her hair. "I really don't want to get in your way, Steph. You've got a family."
"I love my husband."
"I know you do," I say, but even as she speaks my chest tightens a little.
"He's dying."
"He's what?"
"He's sick and he's pushing me away. He's keeping everything so quiet and I feel like I'm going to explode all the time."
"He's really dying?"
"It doesn't look good, that's for sure. I wanted to cancel this tour and he wouldn't let me. He said the last thing he wanted was for me to sit around at home and watch him get sicker. I tried to explain to him that I signed up for that when I married him - that's what I'm supposed to do and what I want to do, and he wouldn't hear it. Every time I talk to him he pretends he's fine, and it just... when Brie tells me what's actually going on it kills me that he won't share it with me." I have no idea what to say, and she senses my discomfort. "I'm so sorry, Linds. I didn't mean to come in here and dump all of this on you. I don't know who to talk to."
"I'm so sorry, Stevie."
"They said he had six months when they diagnosed him. When I get home, we'll be right at that mark."
"You should go home, honey." The words actually hurt me to say, but my feelings don't really matter. I can't believe she's out on the road with us right now while this is going on.
"All we do is fight when I'm home. He refuses to let me come to appointments with him or be around him half the time. He was furious when I told him I was going to stay home."
"Well, give him a little more time. Then go. You'll regret it forever if you aren't there."
She nods, wiping tears from her cheeks. "I'll give it some more time. Maybe he'll start to miss me now that I'm gone."
"He'd be crazy not to."
She cuddles up to my side again and exhales. This whole conversation feels so surreal. Is she really coming to me for comfort? All I can do now is hold her. "I'm so glad you're my friend again. You have no idea how much I missed you."
"I missed you, too."
"Let me stay, Lindsey. Please? You know I'm not very good by myself."
"Of course," I say, hugging her and realizing how much harder this is getting.
