oh it's a crush

interactions part. i

hey, sorry to disturb! you can scroll if you want to since, this isn't journaling. .

but, if you stayed. tysm for your time.
this is all about how did I had crush on him and why did I had.
why did I stayed on giving my interest on him.

beginning :

so it was actually my new schl of 6th grade. & I didn't ever knew his existence.
it was the lock down year too, I rather stayed at home. another year was 7th grade n tbh I was still new. when the schl reopened I didn't knew his sis was friend to me on fb. she had actually commented on some of my pics, as remembered.
that year, I got some fame through academics & leadership. I was also joined on science project or group with him and many but as told I didn't knew him fully.
he also had a gf that time but idc and I also had crush on smone else. he also tried to talk to me but it didn't meant anything.

when he cared :
 
okay, so it was 8th grade..new year n nothing. but still ig I had smthing for him. I mean lil interest?
that year was also confusing but then, again another science exhibition era where h-he-he gave me his cap to me on cap day, lol. { just for 2 mins, ig}
hit me in my back (friendly, not so hard) when I was talking with my bsf.
also, he had gave me.. maybe cold stare cause I was seated in the bus w/ another senior.
senior than us guy :/

there was also kinda lunch party given to us for winning in science project by school and he was seated next to me. he also told "I kinda like this place" to his friends. (don't forget the piece of pasta dropped by me, embarrassing) hehe. I KINDA REGRETT SO MUCH ON NOT GIVING HIM A DAMN WHEN I COULD!!

this year, just at at May or June.. there was national teacher's day n he n his group were singing songs. he was just at the drumset but he looked so damn fine. they were singing this our own language heartbreaking band song which is popular in genZ. I thought he was staring at me that time bhgfhhgff.
and also a junior was singing 'perfect/ ed shereen' & again I thought he was staring me on those lyrics.
ik I sound delusional and dumb.

fine, so rn in present. just few weeks back we had like council meet n he's a prefect too.. he kept staring at me but I couldn't keep it since I was nervous. this things are keep getting so frustrating.

also just last week, he was out there returning back from somewhere on our back to home assembly and since we leaders should look at the students, he and I were also at the back of the school ground. he and I made a eyecontact effortlessly, I was again too break it.
but, he like talked to ME ! asking
'hey, dancing?' with such a smirking smile and shining eyes. when I was just swaying my arms and playing with myself. I replied 'umm hmm/no' n it's all.

personally, day before yesterday me and my one classmate were returning back to class and he was just coming out of his class { with his hands on his pockets}. well, we kinda stare at each other for a long seconds. I am blushingfdghg. woah!

try not to forget the day when me n my toxic friend were out in the club and he was just entering the club. he was roaming around me n my toxic friend said he was trynna come close to me and was staring at me with gentle eyes. but, I thought I lost her and also she coughed from out the door so, I went away.
please, she still thinks I am the dumbest girl in the planet for that 👽

okay also like fr yesterday? or maybe just day before. he entered our club and I was writing smthing by sitting in the chair n to be fair, he came out so tall and make me look so much smaller. that I had to look so up to him with 'omo' in my mouth. also he was just behind me when he was talking w someone. ( not someone but originally the prettiest sweetest girl of our school, she is junior and a good friend to me. she is also a vice persona of smthing .. love her)

ig this much now. I will add directly to my diaries if more happens.

when she cared :

  'she' personal reference term to the writer or me. I know I didn't cared at first but what about me right now? am I all obsessed over that guy? am I supposed to be so concerned in here?

do I deserve him? does he deserves me? can he find better? can I do better?

such a silent obsession over this guy I am drugged now. but the silent corner brain of me thinks "no I deserve smone better".

but to a thought, I resemble this pursuance of observation of obsession over this guy in rather a silent way. just as stalking, which is way more common to all of the humans out there in this gen when they have a crush.
it's normal for me to think about I am stalking too much and posting on socials abt him when he probably doesn't know.
however, I am declining his privacy I think. I think I am offending so much of his personal space in Internet by giving his id always checked 4 or 5 times a week!?

and if any viewer is viewing this and doing this. I hope you to command yourself back on validating someone nicely and privately but by letting them have privacy. this is such a imp note cause y'all might end up getting mixed emotions and wasting your time on another person's personal space.

stalking takes so much time and information. like me who checks his id so much that I had checked all the girls in his following/ followers list. even few seem so active in social with him and even act as to contain interest with him.
it affects me so much, I always take this hard as mixed emotions. that even if I learn more abt him through socials.

I might be prepared for him but not ready for him.

once to learn from our conscious power, it is right. you might be prepared for smone through garnering more knowledge about them, but you might not be able to accept them by their social interaction. you might lead mixed emotions and situations and continuous questioning urself if they had someone else or not.

thus, as an advice : DON'T TAKE THEIR ANY PERSONAL OR SOCIAL INTERACTION WITH SOMEONE SO HARD. THAT'S THEIR PERSONAL STATUS THAT THEY SHARE WITH OTHERS. AND, HOW THEY INTERACT WITH YOU IN REAL LIFE ONLY RELATES WITH YOU.

text and messages may make you fall harder but if irl consequences don't match that's a case. don't think way too hard and just imagine themselves as humans and nothing special.
you are a human too, you are using social too but it's not always that you are using it for someone else attention.
you are using wattpad rn.. do they know?
you might have male/female friends too...do they check?
you might share post, do they really think that's shared for someone?

don't think low rather be in the perspective of focusing on the positive or the personal side they share with you. it might mean a lot to them. don't let others relation with them constantly change your mind or emotion.
you are not failing anything if you haven't figured out something.