OUR SIDE | a good omens x oc fan fic

GOOD OMENS

A Narrative of Certain Events occurring in the last eleven years of human history, in strict accordance as shall be shown with: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter

compiled and edited, with footnotes of an educational nature and precepts for the wise, by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratechett. 

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Supernatural beings

God (God)

Metatron (voice of God)

Aziraphale (an angel, and part time rare book dealer)

Satan (a fallen angel, the adversary)

Beelzebub (a likwise fallen angel and prince of hell)

Hastur (A Fallen Angel and Duke of Hell)

Ligur (Likewise a Fallen Angel and Duke of Hell)

Crowley (An Angel who did not so much Fall as Saunter Vaguely Downwards)

Cozbi (Also a fallen angel and Crowley's daughter, not biologicaly but the two had been causing trouble together since the begining)

APOCALYPTIC HORSEPERSONSDEATH (Death)War (War)Famine (Famine)Pollution (Pollution)

HUMANSThou-Shalt-Not-Commit-Adultery Pulsifer (A Witchfinder)

Agnes Nutter (A Prophetess)

Newton Pulsifer (Wages Clerk and Witchfinder Private)

Anathema Device (Practical Occultist and Professional Descendant)

Shadwell (Witchfinder Sergeant)

Madame Tracy (Painted Jezebel [mornings only, Thursdays by arrangement] and Medium)Sister Mary Loquacious (A Satanic Nun of the Chattering Order of St. Beryl)Mr. Young (A Father)Mr. Tyler (A Chairman of a Residents' Association)A Delivery Man

THEM
ADAM (An Antichrist)Pepper (A Girl)Wensleydale (A Boy)Brian (A Boy)

AND:Dog (Satanical hellhound and cat-worrier)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Current theories on the creation of the universe state that if it were created at all and didn't just start, as it were, unofficially, it came into being about 14 billion years ago. The Earth is generally supposed to be about four-and-a-half billion years old. These dates are incorrect. Some medieval scholars put the date of the Creation at 3760 BC. Others put Creation as far back as 5508 BC. Also incorrect. Archbishop James Ussher claimed that the Heaven and the Earth were created on Sunday 21st October 4004 BC, at 9am. This too was incorrect... by almost a quarter of an hour.

It was created at 9.13 in the morning, which was correct. The whole business with the fossilised dinosaur skeletons was a joke the palaeontologists haven't seen yet.

This proves two things. Firstly, that God does not play dice with the universe.

I play an ineffable game of my own devising. For everyone else, it's like playing poker in a pitch-dark room, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time. Secondly, the Earth is a Libra. The entry for Libra in the Tadfield Advertiser on the night our history begins reads as follows.

"You may be feeling run-down and always in the same daily round."

"A friend is important to you."

"You may be vulnerable to a stomach upset today, so avoid salads."

"Help could come from an unexpected quarter."

This was perfectly correct on every count, except for the bit about the salads. To understand the true significance of what that means, we need to begin earlier. A little more than 6,000 years earlier, to be precise, just after the beginning. It starts, as it will end, with a garden - in this case, the Garden of Eden- and with an apple.

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