I don't know why but I don't think so that our relationship is working anymore. I don't feel the same I used to with Katyaini. Its not that I am cheating on her or something but she fights on each and everything with me nowadays. I don't want to hurt her by breaking up so I am continuing this anyways. I can't tell this to anyone .
I sometimes crack jokes to lighten my mood. My usual source of entertainment were my friends but sometimes I tease our class' so called friends, Advika and Om. I don't know but it seems like something is going on between them. They never show it but I feel like that. Maybe I am wrong but I love to tease them especially Advika. The way she gets pissed off and passes the exact reaction I want is just so funny.
As usual I entered the class and they were sitting together during the recess break. I gave them a look and teased them but this time after getting no reaction from Advika, I felt like something was off with her.
I don't know what exactly but something was wrong for sure. I don't really care but somewhere I know that if she is hiding something in herself and its very painful. The whole class knows she has a crush on Sarthak because she makes it obvious. I have talked to him about it but he always ignores the topic some way or other. But I know how it feels to be neglected , to be ignored. I don't want anyone to suffer from that feeling but she is. I can't do anything about it.
All this reminds me of Purvi, I liked her a lot and we used to talk a lot but our friends shipped us together a lot. So, she stopped talking to me. It hurted me more than I thought it would. But I went through somehow and now seeing someone going through the same thing, pisses me off even more. I wish I could help her but she hates me. Its obvious I always make fun of her. When she was newbie at school I nicknamed her Madvika. I shouldn't have done all that but I am not so of a good spirit that I will go and apologize to her.
But right now what I want to do is to hold her and tell her that its gonna be okay. I never hated her but she does so I can't even reach out for friendship. Most people hate me because Im a playboy but she hates me because I make fun of her and also because every girl has a crush on me.
It makes her a little special. But I never focus on that. I don't hate her, she is just a normal classmate for me.
I was thinking all this when Katyayini called me outside the class. I went there and she was standing facing towards the other side. I tapped on her shoulder, she turned. I saw the hurt and the tears in her eyes and that gave me a tight squeeze in my heart like something heavy was kept on it. I don't know why tf it hurts so much but I do know that she is hurt because of me and maybe thats the reason that it hurts so much.
The Guilt
She looked at me and said, " Look Shashank, I have been trying very hard to make this workout for us but I don't think its working anymore" A crack in her voice , she swallowed her tears and somehow continued,"I love you but.." crack" but I don't think that you love me anymore." She couldn't hold anymore, she ran towards the washroom breaking out in tears.
I love you but I don't think that you love me anymore.
The sentence echoed in my mind , piercing my heart with a dagger of emotions and guilt.I stand there holding back the guilt and the hurt in my throat. I swear if I tried to speak I would throw up.
I am maybe the worst boyfriend of the world.
