WORK IN PROGRESS: Shattered Love (Unedited)

12. Kyle

Being served by Ms. Danvers after my heavy talk with Jenna Witt, a.k.a my biggest regret and former Life Coach, was the day I felt like dying. And not only in the sentimental sense of the expression.

Caleb Drake, my boss, entered my office looking for me, since we always walked towards our important meetings together, while discussing some aspects of them. He found me lying on the floor, pressing my right hand to my chest and swearing I was having a massive heart attack.

I felt down and hit my head pretty hard, fainting and swearing I was about to die. My last thought were about Annie. I'll always love you. I'm so fucking sorry. I don't deserve your heart, but you will forever have mine. My regret was only down to one: hurting her. I was so fucking pissed at me for destroying our life in an epic way, and so regretful and incompetent for not being able to avoid death and working towards getting back the love of my life.

Caleb was screaming and my assistant looked panicked but it was hard for me to focus and my thoughts were literally consuming me. My ears were blocking anything besides the sound of my heart pumping and I tried to hold on, until I lost conscience. Annie. Forgive me.

I woke up, having troubles adjusting my sight to the intense light and tried to talk but found my throat hurting like hell, my head about to explode and an intense beeping sound piercing my skull. My throat was sore and my eyes hurt while trying to adjust to the place.

I had hope for just a second, where I expected to wake up from the nightmare and tell everything about it to Annie. We would have laughed about it and she would tell me that couldn't be us. And once again, the reality punched me like a hammer and made me hate myself a bit more.

When the doctor told me this panic attack was massive and that my stress levels needed to change, was the moment I understood I had to make drastic changes.

Caleb and I talked about everything a few days after I was released. He was shocked about the story, but more so about my two week notice. "I cannot work here anymore. I have no motivation left and every time I enter the building, my bad decisions haunt me and my self loathing triplicates. I know I deserve the pain, but I'm having troubles handling it."

He understood and came up with an idea. I could still work for him, but in a different area. No more office, but instead Instructor, training our people in different parts of the country. I could use my expertise in a positive and new way, changing scenery and having a fresh start.

I knew I didn't deserve the chance, but Anne did. She deserved everything good about the future and maybe, this was a sign that I needed to see as what life wanted me to do for her. So I signed the papers and released her from the worst fucking asshole she could ever encounter.

I contacted a realtor for selling the apartment, and arranged everything so every single penny could go to my wife.  Ex wife, idiot. Annie being Annie refused and only accepted half of it. So I used the other half to pay for my legal representation and Ms. Danvers fees, for representing Annie.

The lawyer was not pleased with my action. "If you think this will redeem yourself and get you in Anne's good graces, you are delusional. And FYI, I was representing her pro-bono. She and I are friends. However, accepting the guilt sounds the least you deserve." She was a force to deal with and I felt fucking happy about Annie having her.

That was the start of a life that would be empty without her, but maybe could become a better version of myself and feel like a guy who could make the love of his life proud again, even if she was not around anymore yo witness it.

Looking around and watching everything packed and with movers carrying every single memory inside tiny carton boxes as if my former was nothing but a shadow, I embrace the hurt that the experience brought me. I deserve this punishment. Nobody was aware of the addiction that became feeling like shit, but I did it because in my mind, I was somehow redeeming myself for Annie.

I knew it was dysfunctional, but it helped me cope with the way my life was turning out to be. Looking at the place where I once found my beautiful woman kneeled with wine and glasses around her and a cut in her hand, I grabbed a pen and a white paper and headed to the kitchen bar, to write what would be my last love letter to the only woman I would love for the rest of my miserable days.

I finished the letter and left what once was my happiest place. It was empty now, just like my heart.