WORK IN PROGRESS: Shattered Love (Unedited)

14. Kyle

My beloved Annie,

(I'm sorry for calling you "my", I guess you're not mine anymore but I cannot wrap my mind around you and I not belonging to each other.)

Too little too late I came to the realization of how fucked up I was in my perception of reality. How I thought by keeping you from the dark parts of my past, I was saving our relationship and giving you my best version.

The problem was I was allowing someone else to come into our relationship. I starting trusting someone who proved to be incredibly helpful in my professional life and since she was an expert on Life Coaching as well, I listened to her and her plans of sharing personal things, since it would be helpful for the process.

Her way of listening without judging or making me feel less, like I understand I felt about myself, became something I looked for. She started sharing some things of her life and I thought it became a friendship.

I know you were trying to tell me over and over how you felt something was off, and I will always regret not paying attention to your alerts.

I realize deep down I knew something was strange, but I ignored all because I received recognition and admiration. I'm laughing as I write the letter because it reminds me how fucking pathetic I was acting, how weak and small I am. Nothing like the smart guy I always felt I was. And I guess that's what I wanted to conceal from you, so I thought sharing it with someone else was the best option. And I fucked up our lives.

I don't wanna hurt you with this letter, but maybe this is the only way I can be honest about what happened so I'm writing it here.

What you saw that awful day happened once before. I ate up that stupid visualization activity because it worked great with my professional life. That woman (no way I'm hurting you even more by writing her name) said imagining intimacy with you, but with the mindset of having full honesty and communication would make our love the way it was supposed to be. I wanted that Annie. I wanted to share with you all the fucked-up past I had and I was desperate to finally showing you all of me.

My session was about how I was gonna be able to talk to you about it, and I was fucking scared of you rejecting me or leaving me, so I asked if there was something I could do to avoid the haunting ending I felt was going to happen. That's were she came up with a visualization of our talk, the way you were gonna react and then it happened: the visualization included an amazing love making and everything she was describing had me picturing your face, your body, our love.

When it was done, I realized that I jerked off to her narrative and her voice and I felt like throwing up. I was ashamed of acting like a horny teenager and even without touching her and picturing you every step of the exercise, something happened with someone else.

I panicked, because I noticed she was buttoning her blouse, but she calmed me down by saying nothing physically happened, that she got carried away because the situation was hot, and that my visualization was guaranteeing our success. I was about to have the outcome I was praying for and it was gonna happen. So I convinced myself that I was being true to myself and our relationship. I was actually doing it so we could have the love both of us deserved. (Fuck, writing it makes me feel even more small and pathetic...)

I couldn't tell you anything that day after my session because I felt off and dirty, but we had an amazing love-making that night and I felt it was progress. Me expressing with my kisses and my body everything I wanted to tell you with words. You told me how incredible our connection was and J just couldn't mention anything then.

I realize I fell in a vicious cycle because that woman was the only one I felt could be a safe space for me to talk and share my thoughts. Since she acted super professional and didn't make innuendos or jokes about what happened, I convinced myself it was ok.

But I now know I kept sharing feelings, thoughts, wishes with her that belonged to you. Now I Know how I was betraying you before that session happened.

And then, when my promotion came through and we were about to celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary, I decided I was gonna share everything with you. It was time. And I told her during that last coaching with her. She convinced me to do a visualization and I went with it. So, not only I shared an intimate aspect of my life with someone else, I shared my sounds, my expressions, my orgasms and I betrayed you again. I just feel more sad and laughable because I couldn't fucking see it back then.

How is it possible for a person to fuck up their entire world and hurt what they treasure the most without intending to? How can this situation sound as harmless as I thought it was? Not only that, but how the fuck I thought I was doing something right?

Gosh, this makes me so fucking angry. I feel like punching the wall just to hurt myself a fraction of what you must be going through.

I know both of us were holding back and not communicating, but you have to understand how you are NEVER responsible for what I did and what I created. For the way I handled myself and how I allowed someone else to enter in the most sacred thing in my life: our love.

Excuses and apologies can make this letter last an eternity, but there will never be enough words to express how fucked up were my actions and how pathetic I turned out to be.

So, I can only give you what you deserve: your freedom. A way to start anew, away from an asshole who believes the world about himself and instead is just a fucking cliche, not even the shadow of the man he thought he was.

And while I absolutely hope for you to be happy away from me, I just need to tell you how I'll always feel you mine, even if I have no right. (I wish I was a better guy, understanding how embarrassing is to still think about you after what I put us through, but I guess after discovering how much of a dick I am, I'm embracing this last aspect with my whole heart).

I love you. I'm sorry. Please, have the incredible life you deserve, the one I could not provide you with. And even if I cannot atone my sins, I will always love you.

Yours, Kye.