something about love

seven

august 3
thursday
6:30 am

dear diary,

i woke up early! i slept early din kase kagabi because i'm tired of my work, but i still enjoy working! especially when i'm the one who's making the cappuccino with cute designs! i couldn't help but be proud of myself! i took a picture of it even though phone are not allowed during working hours. anyway, i'm glad kuya teddy taught me how to do it! feeling ko ang galing ko na when it comes to that matter! maam tootsie let us explore our work by being cashiers, barista, server & cleaning the whole cafe. minsan dj din ako (dishwasher) but dj tawag nila doon.

i was thinking about my life last night if i chose to take the board exam. there are maybes and what-ifs. maybe i'll experience being anxious every day, or i can't even enjoy delicious food properly because i'm so scared kung anong mangyayari sa akin sa mismong exam. to be honest, after i graduated. i consulted my parents about this matter, i told them i'm still unsure of it.

i don't know if this really i wanted. i just realized, even though i love being organized. i'm still uncertain of my dreams because i don't know what I will be in the future. hindi pa rin ako sigurado sa buhay ko, funny to think that but yes, i'm indecisive pretty girl in town.

my parents support me and tell me that whatever my decision, it's still in my hands and not theirs. ako naman kase maghihirap along the way. hindi sila gaya ng ibang parents na nag p-pressure sa anak nila to do things ayon sa desisyon nila. that's what i'm thankful for. kung sana ganoon nalang lahat ng parents, no one would suffer from endless trauma.

i didn't pursue anything related to my course when i graduated, i just don't know.. i'm so lost in my life, and i can't even do anything because of my anxiety. i'm scared, life scares me a lot. my parents didn't pressure me to pursue the board exam for psychometricians or push me to take a job like human resources or other jobs that are related to psychology.

that's why i've decided to explore things in one year. i gave myself one year to decide regarding my life. i thanked my friends and family for being supportive since then, they didn't put so much pressure on me. siguro.. deserve ko naman talaga ng isang taon para bigyan ng pagkakataon ang sarili kong ayusin ang sarili at gawin lahat ng bagay na hindi ko pa nagagawa.

whatever it is, i hope i'll go the right way. where i can enjoy and learn.

pero naisip ko, is this the right path? nakakatawa isipin, sa tagal ko nag aral ng psychology ngayon ko pa narealize kung tama ba or mali 'tong pinasok ko. i feel disappointed about myself, pakiramdam ko kahit hindi ako pinipilit ng parents ko gawin ang mga bagay na ayaw ko, naiisip ko na nasasayangan naman sila sa nakuha kong kurso pero hindi ko nagamit dahil lang sa hindi ako sigurado sa buhay ko.

but i still have time, even though my friends are way ahead of me in their successes. i don't need to pressure myself just because i feel like nahuhuli ako sa iba. i have my own path, and i have my own life. it's me who can drive it. but anyway, i think kung ano man desisyon na ginawa ko ngayon. i did not regret it! i met people who were good and gentle to me! i finally found my happiness in being independent, i'm not rushing things! i love my life right now, even though i'm away with my friends and my parents. i have learned to live my life on my own.

i'm eating spanish bread (natira kahapon) while writing this! i saw a puppy yesterday while on my way to work! it's so cute, i want to kiss and hug him! i petted him and umalis na sila after that! i missed my rue! if i can take care of her here at my house kaso wala mag aalaga while i'm away! but it's fine, parents are taking care if her na doon sa house! i'm sure she's a little older na today kase last year ko pa siya naiwan, haay i miss her!

i talked with yvez last night! i got conscious kase ang daldal ko, nag endorse pa ako ng binebente ko.. but he assures me na it's fine, and i don't need to say sorry about that, i'm still a businesswoman, i guess? other than that, it's nice to have a conversation with him. even though i'm shy and it's my first time again to talk with someone who i fully don't know pa talaga, i mean he's not a stranger to me kase nakikita ko naman siya for the past months, na lagi ako napapadaan sa store nila. he made me feel safe and comfortable to talk to.

I appreciate it, even though my conversation with him last night was awkward. even though naiilang ako, hindi naman siya nakapagsabi na kung ano para mas lalo akong mahiya.

anyway, i need to run a little to gain energy before i go to work! i love my new bike!

love, barbara.