Hollow

Ch.5 Birthday Blues (pt.1)

***** TW: This chapter includes topics such as mental illness (anxiety & depression), self-harm, self-isolation, racism, bullying & family issues *****

Sun. 7/9

"Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!" -Quinn

Quinn carefully makes her way down to the rocky ledge, carrying a plate of miscellaneous candles. Rubi has already been waiting by the river for half an hour. She decided to go earlier to journal during sunrise.

"What's all this?" -Rubi

Rubi can see the plate now. It holds 18 chocolate-covered strawberries, each pierced with a candle of various colors and sizes.

"Sorry, I was gonna go to the store to get matching candles, but my mom insisted on using the ones we already had at home." -Quinn

That is a lie. Quinn attempted to bake a cake and ice it with little flowers and the numbers 1 and 8. She thought it looked okay the night before but got insecure about her craftsmanship this morning. Quinn panicked and came up with chocolate-covered strawberries, using ingredients at home because she simply ran out of time.

Quinn felt like she was on some high stakes cooking show. Rubi plays it cool, but she is over the moon that Quinn gave her something. It's homemade, so Rubi knows it took some time. She hopes it didn't cause Quinn too much trouble.

"No, thank you. You didn't have to get me anything, you know." -Rubi

"It's only for the best person in the world. C'mon, make a wish." -Quinn

Rubi is too flattered to think of anything to wish for. She always kind of blacks out on her birthday when people hold out gifts for her, and they all just watch. There's so many things Rubi could wish for, but she can't think of anything right now. Maybe that's because this is already the best thing she could ever wish for.

Rubi puts out all the candles, and they watch the little streams of smoke disappear into the air.

"Happy birthday." -Quinn

"Thanks." -Rubi

They sit down on the rocks and eat the strawberries. Rubi pulls out a blue tupperware from her tote bag.

"My mom wanted me to bring leftovers from the picnic yesterday. This is pancit." -Rubi

Pancit is like a stir-fry with noodles. It's a staple dish at Filipino parties. Rubi also pulls out two metal forks. They share the food together. Out of all of Rubi's friends, Quinn is the Fernandez's favorite.

"Tell your mom she always has the best cooking." -Quinn

"I bet the food is the real reason you hang out with me." -Rubi

"Perhaps..." -Quinn

They laugh and make little crowns from the dandelions. They sit in silence. Rubi avoids making eye contact with Quinn today because she spent all of last night crying. Her eyes are probably all red and puffy. Rubi's always a bit gloomy on her birthday, but it's been a rough week too.

Nothing in particular is upsetting Rubi, but she just doesn't feel all that great. Rubi knows it will probably go away, but it just sucks right now. She goes through this cycle a lot. She's gotten used to hiding it too.

"You know that impending doom feeling?" -Rubi

"What do you mean?" -Quinn

"It's like- like a growing pit, and it sits in the middle of your heart and stomach. You become aware of it, and then it makes you breathe really hard even when there's plenty of air." -Rubi

"Does it show up even when there's nothing to worry about?" -Quinn

"Yeah. That feeling." -Rubi

"You mean anxiety?" -Quinn

"I guess that's what it is, isn't it?" -Rubi

"Possibly. What about it?" -Quinn

"Does it ever go away?" -Rubi

"I don't really know, to be honest." -Quinn

Quinn tends to be avoidant with her problems. She loves going for a long drive and listening to music to escape any issues. When a conflict is right in front of her, Quinn convinces herself it's not a big deal. She tells herself she's never afraid of anything. Quinn has found that if she doesn't care, she doesn't get affected as much. She tunes herself out until she's left feeling empty.

Rubi tends to amplify her problems and hyperfixate on them. Sometimes her problems are all she thinks about. Sometimes all Rubi can do is ruminate about her problems. She feels she can never let her guard down until the problem is 100% solved. This often leaves her feeling pretty exhausted.

"I don't know either." -Rubi

"Have you ever gone to therapy?" -Quinn

"I have, actually." -Rubi

"Wait, really? You never told me." -Quinn

Rubi has always been a bit of a gloomy kid. She also has endometriosis which messes with her mood a lot too. Midway through junior year was when her mental health really started to decline. She moped around in her room all day and isolated herself from everyone.

Rubi didn't mean to, but she only had enough energy each day for schoolwork. She couldn't prioritize other things like self-care and socializing. That previous summer, her best friend moved away. At the time, she didn't think it affected her much, but it's probably why she distances herself from people.

Why build relationships if they're just going to fall apart? That's probably why she doesn't even tell Quinn everything that's going on in her life, even though she knows that's probably bad too.

"Well, it's not a time I really like to remember." -Rubi

Rubi had good grades, so nobody really expected anything was up. She sat alone at lunch and pretended to be on her phone to look busy. She didn't have to sit at a lunch table because she didn't even eat lunch, but the only other place she could sit was the bathroom. You were only allowed to be in the bathroom for 10 minutes, and lunch was 30 minutes.

That December, Rubi thought maybe it would be better if she wasn't around anymore. It took some fighting, but she eventually convinced her parents to take her to therapy. Her parents consider themselves "old-school" and don't really believe in things like mental health. She knows it's not their fault. They mean well, but it still hurts.

Sometimes, Rubi would cut herself when she felt like she needed something physical for her pain to be valid enough. She never told anyone about that part except to her doctor.

"It didn't really work. I always lied to my therapist, and my parents thought less of me for going to therapy. Money also got in the way, so it was easier to leave." -Rubi

People always seem to have good things to say about therapy, so Rubi expected to get better eventually.

It was a combination of a couple things for why she didn't improve.

Rubi never really opened up to her therapist and said exactly what she was feeling. She never did that before, so she didn't really know how. Rubi worked really hard in academics to gain her parents' trust, and going to therapy was like erasing all her efforts. They said she would just snap out of it. They still think she can't take care of herself, and they don't respect her autonomy.

Money was an issue too, so it was easier to just lie about her progress in the end. Rubi still feels guilty about it, but she reminds herself that she was only 16. She was a kid and never learned how to talk about emotions. They don't teach those kinds of things at school.