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The constant chaos in this place is starting to make me go actually crazy. The screams of those refusing treatments or the shrieks of those fighting their demons all hours throughout the night. This place is supposed to rehabilitate us, but it does the exact opposite. I mean this hellhole brings you everything, but peace of mind.
"Up, up! It's time for your medication," the night nurse stormed in my room with two small Dixie cups in her hand.
This is the routine. They keep us drugged up day and night so we can feel somewhat normal. The poison they shove down our throats everyday do everything, but that.
Her lips were in a tight line, almost making her look like a bird. She's stern and stuck up just like all the other nurses here. If they're the ones who're supposed to heal us and transform us into functioning members of society, they're doing a shit job.
She held the small cup of water and my meds in one hand and handed both cups to me. Lucky for me, I've mastered the art of faking my meds. I leaned my head back and discreetly slipped the tiny pill under my tongue and quickly swallowed the water afterwards.
She nodded and took the cups from me before placing them on her metal cart that held all of the meds for patients on my ward. I nodded back and gave her a sly smile.
"The doctor asks how're you feeling today? Are we well?" she questioned.
I huffed in annoyance, "I'm perfectly fine like I have been since the day I got here," I retorted.
Truthfully speaking though, after all this time in this hell hole I don't know if I'll ever be fine again. I don't remember it being this agonizing when I was younger., but maybe that's because I knew I was getting out.
"Alright, I'll be sure to note that to your assigned psychiatrist," she nodded, ignoring my usual theatrics.
Truth is, I know I'm not getting out of here anytime soon. I was framed and locked away like an animal and now who knows how long I'll be trapped in here.
"Come back! I can't stay here forever!" I shout after her as if she can hear me. No one hears me. No one has heard me for 10 years. I wonder what will happen once I'm finally reunited with my family. Once they finally realize that they made a mistake. Once I finally escape this God forsaken place.
The four walls seem to close in on me more and more each year I stay here. The thin mattress that sits on the uncomfortable metal frame seems to grow thinner everyday. We're not even allowed paper mail in this place because it's considered a hazard, which is blasphemy. A man of my stature can't even get a fucking piece of paper around here. I guess once you're admitted into this place you become an equal. Money and status doesn't matter in here. Since I can't communicate with the outside world unless I receive visitors which I haven't, I filled my walls with letters I could never send out. My favorite nurse, Ms. Nora, snuck me in a dull pencil one day and I'm forever indebted to her. She's the only source of comfort this place has to offer if I'm being honest. Maybe cause she reminds me so much of my mother.
I laid back on my uncomfortable bed and closed my eyes. The darkness surrounding this room is definitely starting to overwhelm. Being locked away for 22 hours a day in here forces me to face all my dark thoughts. The same ones that landed me in here.
I dream of getting out of here and reuniting with my loved ones. I dream of seeing their bright smiles once more. I dream of hugging her and smelling her sweet scent. I think about her every minute of the day.
I hope with all my heart that one day me and my love will meet again. She's only visited me twice since I've been here and I can't seem to get her out of my mind. I hope she knows the truth. She has to know the truth. That I did this out of love and that's it. It's her fault in the first place. If she would've just listened to me, we could've been together; in the way we truly desired, but she ruined that for us. She betrayed me and my trust so I snapped.
Three hours later, I woke up from my nap. It's pitch black in my room and little to no light came through the tiny barred skylight on the ceiling.
Meaning it was night time and the nurses were about to do their nightly rounds. Everything around here is pretty routine. The nurses conduct around the clock check ins to make sure we haven't offed ourselves and to give us our meals and medicine if it's that designated time. I didn't eat my dinner today and I honestly had no desire to. My appetite nowadays has been scarce.
The door clicked open as expected and in walked the night shift nurse, but my favorite one. The only light in this place. She's older nurse and she's very wise. We've talked a lot over the course of the years and she's the only one who seems genuinely concerned about what I have to say; about my truth.
She smiled at me as she sat the tray of food on the desk. It doesn't smell too retched today, but I'm just not hungry.
Ms. Nora frowned in disappointment
"Okay, what's wrong? Why aren't you eating?" she immediately asked, setting her clipboard aside and placing her hand on her hip firmly.
She almost made me feel like a child again with the firm expression she held on her face.
"Nothing's wrong, I'm just not hungry tonight. I've been in my thoughts all day and all I want to do is sleep because that's the only thing that shuts my mind," I replied truthfully.
She sighed, "Look, I know you wanna get out of here, but not eating or taking your meds isn't going to help you do that. You need to show them that you can obey their rules and that you're willing to be treated.." she explained.
"That's exactly it, Ms. Nora! I'm not crazy! They threw me in here because of my past but it's all a mistake!" I exclaimed.
"As it may be and I believe you! I believe you have something that needs to be heard, but you can't do that if you can't play the politics to get out this place."
"Will you talk to my psychiatrist for me?!" my eyes lit up at the suggestion. Or maybe it was the mere thought of walking out of those doors sooner than later.
"I'll do my best," she nodded before grabbing her clipboard and leaving my room, making sure to lock it behind her.
