Breathe You In Slip From My Grasp

Chapter 10

As his eyes flutter open, Reiner casts an arm out. All he's met with is lingering heat on empty sheets. The silence of the room makes regret pool in his stomach. He's ruined everything, last night's conversation rushing back to him. It makes him a bit dizzy but he's sure of one thing:

He's an idiot.

He rises from the sheets, prying himself from sleep's grasp. With a small groan, he swings his feet over the side of the bed, dropping his face into his hands. He wasn't sure what he expected but it definitely wasn't being left alone. He'd thought that maybe things were different now - that they were different.

In his shame, he can still remember her smile. Almost lost to the darkness, but he would know the curve of her lips in death. Even now, in his sobering awakening, he can feel her warmth settled deep within the cracks of his soul. Her words swimming in his ears.

"You can be brave now."

A chuckle leaves his lips and he lifts his head. He'd promised her. He would be brave now and she didn't have to love him, he'd always love her.

For the first time, he takes in the room around him. The walls are cold, faint rays of morning light spilling across the wood of her dresser. Her desk is scattered with papers, books piled atop one another, held open by oil canisters acting as paperweights. From where he sits, he can see the curves of her writing, too far for him to decipher, but close enough to feel the strokes against his skin. He can almost see her writing her reports in the dark of night when she's meant to be asleep. The drooping of her eyes, the weak flicker of a lamp - he can hear the scratching of her pen against the parchment. He can see the look of concentration - scrunched eyebrows and a wrinkled nose.

The image of her is chased away by a chill that rolls through the air, and Reiner shivers. His gaze falls down to his hands, and he knows he can't back out now. His mistakes have been made, they exist forever, and there's nothing he can do to change them. But that doesn't mean that Gabi and Falco have to be bound the way he was. They don't have to serve a country blindly by sacrificing their youth, their souls. They can be different.

Reiner thinks of them. The dazzling brilliance of their youth, running through the streets of Marley during the festival. They'd been so amazed that day, so happy. Nearly running him into debt, but it was fine. It was fine because they were free. Even if it was just for those few hours, they were free, basking in the ignorance of their victory. They were wonderfully free.

They were different.

"She told me you might be here."

The sudden sound of Jean's voice shakes Reiner from his thoughts. Shooting to his feet, his heart jumps in his chest as Jean watches him with a knowing look and hints of a smile.

"I didn't see you there," Reiner says, feeling his face begin to flush.

Jean's almost smile grows a little wider and he merely shrugs his shoulders, "You looked lost in thought - didn't want to disturb you, but I also don't want you to miss breakfast."

Reiner nods, trying to fight the glow of his embarrassment. He's not sure how it looks, he doesn't want to know how it looks. He begins to search for something else, anything else, to speak about.

"Oh," He begins, "I - I'm sorry. I know that I'm not supposed to -"

"Please!" Jean chuckles, "You couldn't stay away from her in training, I didn't expect this to be any different."

If Reiner was red before, he isn't sure what color he is now. The embarrassment coiled deep in his gut. Jean was right, he couldn't stay away. Self control had never been his strong suit.