Me, Myself, and I

bargain

I opened my dorm door to find Brooke lounged on my mattress, her clothes hanging off her lofted bed. She had a few textbooks strewn about, along with several shades of nail polish along my desk.

"Sorry," she muttered. "Since you decided to drop off the face of the earth I made myself at home."

"I was only gone for the weekend."

She rolled out of my bed and gathered her things. "I came back here literally ten minutes after getting home. Paige was being a skank because Dad canceled for a work meeting, and I told Mom to stop being such a doormatt with her. It just would've been nice to talk it out with somebody."

"I'm sorry that Ben's hospitalization inconvenienced you," I said, straightening my sheets. I avoided looking at my desk, now cleared for all of the work I had yet to do. Brooke's hidden liquor stash was looking more and more appealing.

Brooke sighed and climbed on her bed, her earbuds slightly audible across the room. In a few minutes she was snoring. I scrolled through more photographs, my heart overwhelming my senses, practicing what I'd say. Calm, cool, and collected.

A small knock and the door swung open. I kissed Alex in greeting until one of Brooke's snores brought us back to the present moment.

"Maybe we should eat out," he smiled.

We left for Stacks.

Phone feeling heavy in my pocket, my heart was still slamming into my throat and out my ears. All I could do was nod and bite my lip as I fidgeted in his car's leather seat. The drive carried a thick silence. I'd forgotten my lines.

We sat in a corner booth, him across from me. We ordered something, I don't know what. Caffeinated.

"I'm sorry I didn't call," I said.

"S'okay."

I shook my head. "It's not. I'm just, I don't know. I feel trapped."

"Trapped?"

"Stuck. I don't know. He's my friend, Alex. And he...I need him to know that I'm sorry, that I don't hate him."

"I know."

I held his hand, though it felt cold, a lifetime away. "There's so many people, so many times I couldn't be there for the people I cared about. This time I can."

"His family doesn't even want you there, Jewels."

He pulled his hand away as our order came in. I felt like a demonstration was in order, to lean over and kiss him, squeeze his hand, something. But I wasn't thinking about Alex. My camera roll was full of information that wasn't mine to see.

"Could you get me some napkins?" I said.

Alex the good samariton popped out of the seat and walked towards the counter. I zoomed into the pictures, deleting what wasn't mine, the symbols I didn't recognize, the ones too chaotic to even begin to decipher. I just needed to find that name. The name that proved my hunch was right.

I eyed Alex, who'd started talking to some waiter with a drawing of a fountain on his shirt. Who was I kidding? Like he'd be any help. He'd just tell me to knock it off. Or worse, rat me out. Still, he was all I had, wasn't he?

I stared at the drawing on the waiter's shirt, the fountain, like the one we sat out, Ben...I bet he'd been there more than I had. Probably only knew about it because of—

"Alex...I have this hunch. About Kyle—"

"Can we drop this, please? Give yourself a break." Give me a break.

The wheels were loosening in my head, and I wasn't sure how to tighten them again. I didn't mention Kyle again, or tell Alex about my camera role, or the reason I'd decided to go through Dad's files. Eventually he started talking about his classes. Before I knew it my drink was gone, his plate was empty.