Me, Myself, and I

a mild confession

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but when are you going to leave this kitchen?" Dad said.

I glanced up from my latest batch of burnt chocolate chip cookies. Mom's recipe wasn't having it with my fingers. The cinnamon rolls were too big and crisp, the cakes never rose. Trying to follow her measurements was like trying to see clearly through a kaleidescope.

I pointed my spatula at him. "Are you trying to kick me out?"

"No, you've just been in here cooking since..." Since I'd dropped out. "And we have yet to be able to consume any of it." He lowered my spatula. "I am just gently suggesting that perhaps you should do something...else."

"Like what?"

He tapped on one of old cookies. It crumbled. "Is Alex back from vacation yet?"

"Yes."

"Kim said you were at the basketball game yesterday."

I flinched. "Yeah, see? Left the house all by myself."

He bit into the cookie dust. "Maybe you ought to try out a different recipe." Because Mom's weren't good enough. Not because of the incapable mind trying to piece them together. "Are you doing alright?"

He'd asked me that when I'd moved back home. I told him I was fine. He accepted. Why wouldn't I be alright? I'd left Ben alone just so Kyle could throw another wrench in my life. Wasn't good enough to make it at some community college, and I'd wondered what I ever thought I'd accomplish at NYU. My world had stopped turning, and I was crazy enough to think that would mean everyone else's did too.

I whisked. "I'm fine."

"Okay, well, if you ever need to talk..."

I waved him back into his office.

My phone beeped. I smiled.

Bold of him to assume I hadn't made plans. The truth was, I'd been busy since that basketball game. That box with Mom's recipes? There were more letters there now. More files with her name on them. But I'd need help. They didn't make sense to me. Half of what I'd seen were just letters with her scraggly handwriting all over them. More big numbers on more bills. The return addresses were all over the place. Idaho. Wyoming. California. Washington. Even a couple from Ontario. She'd been around. I just didn't know why. I needed someone smart. Someone who could piece those letters together into phrases and meaning.

Alex was back. Brooke was lonely and desperate.

I'd invited them to Stacks. Told them I had something to talk about. An objective. I cleaned up the pans, abandoning the cookies as I grabbed my keys and marched out the door.

Stacks was more abandoned than usual. I took the corner booth. They weren't there yet.

"Watcha want?" The waiter mashed on his gum.

I frowned at the menu and shook my head. "Black coffee." He walked off. "Thanks."

Stupid Kyle. Why couldn't he have been at that game? I should've been sad for Ben, thought about how abandoned he was feeling. But how could he feel abandoned? Screw Kyle. Ben had...

Brooke and Alex arrived together. Hugs. Kisses. All the things. Brooke sat across from the two of us.

Heavy paper weighed down my pocket. Was I really about to do this? How insanely desperate was I?

They didn't ask why I'd called them there. They talked. About vacations. About Delcoph. Florida. Europe. California. Valerie. Yale. Leah and Joey. I nodded. Got through three coffees before Brooke started off about the game last night.