when did it start

the begining

Im really not sure when I began to feel this way.
Was it from the beginning? Or did it come later.
Did it begin when my family became broken after just 3 short years of my life? When my small baby sister was diagnosed with leukaemia and spent years in the hospital? When the hospital realised my mother's problems and she lost her 4 children due to her drug and alcohol addiction.
I suppose that was the turning point for how this all began.
And I know it could have been worse. We were lucky to be kept together with our grandparents, but it still leaves me wondering how everything could be different, for better or worse.
Had my mother never lost custody, where would I be today. Would I be here today?
I wonder what my mothers life would be like if she never turned to drugs. It's funny how one small action can change the course of your life, and sometimes many others.
This recount of my life may not make sense to you, it may jump back and forth and be in shambles, but its an accurate representation of how my brain is feeling.