My biggest fear is that they will see me the way I see myself. That one day, I'll wake up and find everything truly was a temporary farce, an undeserving creature who finally met what they deserve. That all the blessings from God will stop because he realized I wasn't worth it.
That's the beauty though. God remains merciful and faithful and always sees us worthy, for we are his children. And the people that surround you, They're not us. They will never endure the torture of having your harsh extreme consciousness, of being blinded to who we really are. That distortion that stems from the evil of our human nature.
But even now as you stand and see me for who we were, you still have that mindset. I can feel as it shadows your every move and thought. It stalks behind, suffocating us. It chips away at us and anything that is around. It failed our relationships, our friendships, and ourselves. It still does, For this part of us that destroys will always be there.
Yet I have no regrets, for everything you are and have gone through has led up to me— to who we are now. Though it exists, I no longer live in fear of it. Isn't that comforting? Isn't that what you always thought was unachievable? That we'll still thrive in the end, living alongside such destruction? Our true friends have stayed, God still blesses us, our family loves us dearly, and our relationships have turned into blossoming friendships. We went through all of that pain, sorrow, and grief night after night. We went through times where we couldn't live and we're left lying breathless. I know we lost sight of ourselves for a long time, but she returned. Look, she is still there, who we both were.
A child from afar waves at them, her pigtails and smile unwavering. They both hear her faint laughter from the other side of the glass as she runs free, examining everything around her with brimming curiosity.
I had truly thought she died. I searched so long for her—for us. You don't understand, I watched her cry every night in bed. I watched her stand in the corner without a word to say. I watched her hate everything she wanted for herself. I watched her fade away. But here she is, loving every breath of living, adoring every piece of this world. How?
Though we are broken away by such destruction, we are formed in the same way to make space for her.
On the side of another glass, a woman with a confident smirk and grounded stance stood proud and tall, her purple tipped hair gliding as she moves to the pane. She simply mouths the words "try and catch me" with a soft smile and starts walking away.
Both of them will always truly be there, for that is our core and future. This shadow is not something to be afraid of, it is simply what follows and protects us. It prunes us like a rose— cutting dead brown stems and the infected beauty of its petals, but keeps our roots and flourishing flowers.
I have peace restored in my soul, and faith in where God has us headed. Let me rest and watch you from afar in this next chapter, but please never forget me .
I won't. My small little dork, you will never be unloved and forgotten by me. You are too well tangled in my heart. I will see you in every gift we receive. I will hear you in every song that makes us cry. I will feel you with every breath I take. I will not forget you, for you are always my best and favorite part of me— Insecure and depressed, yet always expecting love and comfort. You are who I will love and take care of every single second of my life. For as long as I exist, you will always be loved. As long as I'm alive, you will always have someone who's proud of you.
Then follow her, and carry me with you in love and pride. I hope beautiful things happen to you and when they do, i hope you can believe you are worthy of every single one of them. I look forward to the day that the love you learn is enough for you to finally catch up to her. To finally be her. Thank you for making me feel loved now and onwards.
Thank you for being you.
