Remus Lupin Comfort 🤎

flashback

tw ‼️ self harm, suicide

lil short background of remus's mental health problems. this is from when he was 15-16. hope you enjoy <3

there was once a quiet boy who was a little tired of living.

his name was remus john lupin, but his friends called him moony, and his boyfriend called him babe and remy.

one cold november evening, moony sat on the edge of the astronomy tower. the full moon was in two days, two days until he would once again transform. this month was particularly bad. not only did he feel physically sick, but the weight of his thoughts pressed into him on all sides, smothering joy like a candle flame.

he really wanted to be dead.

remus pulled a lighter out of his pocket, staring at it for a second with glazed over eyes before pulling up the sleeve of his jumper. fire. the one thing that could burn away his pain, if only for a moment. the red blisters that rose on his skin like anger incarnated finally brought the tears he had been holding in to the surface.

sirius hates me, james doesn't care, you're a danger to everyone. stupid f@g. go kill yourself. he laughed hysterically. or was he sobbing? the lines blurred and the world swayed and the edge, the fall, called him. called him home. it would be so easy to jump...

"remy!"

oh

fuck

"i should die," remus spoke, voice raspy and lifeless.

"remy come back from the edge, please remy," sirius begged, and a second later, he wrapped his arm around remus's chest, anchoring him to the tower.

"it's getting bad again."

"i know babe. i know."

they say there in silence for a few minutes, sirius hugging remy from the back.

"i relapsed..." there, a hitch in his breathing. "i'm sorry sirius, i'm so sorry-"

"shhh... you have nothing to be sorry for babe. i just want to help. can you let me see?" sirius scooted back to give remus room to turn around. when he saw the vivid welt on his forearm, sirius bit down on the inside of his cheek to stop himself from gasping.

"it doesn't hurt that bad," remy lied.

sirius ignored the bullshit. "come on, let's go get professor mcgonagall." she was the only teacher who remus trusted with his problems. after his first transition at hogwarts, which left him pale and shaking, mcgonagall invited him to her office for tea and biscuits. cut through the "i'm fine" bullshit, and talked to him. she was the first to tell him that he wasn't a monster.

silently, they walked down to her quarters, holding hands. it only took three seconds after they knocked for mcgonagall to answer, dressed in a nightgown with a robe over top of it. she took one look at remus's bloodshot eyes before stepping aside to let them in.

"i'm sorry for waking you up profesor, i-"

"it's quite ok mr. lupin, i was already awake. what's troubling you?" remus glanced at sirius, who nodded.

"i- im not ok" he whispered, ducking his head down. her eyes softened.

"mr. sirius, i think i can take care of mr lupin from here. thank you for being a good," she paused, as if adjusting her wording, "friend." officially, they weren't out as a couple yet, but most everyone had already guessed that they were in love. it wasn't as if they were trying very hard to hide it. at all.

"i love you remy." sirius gave him a kiss on the cheek before leaving, closing the door behind him.

"remus, what has happened? what's wrong? you were doing well i thought." she led him to the chairs bordering the coffee table. he sat down shakily, and wrapped his slender hands around the warm cup of tea mcgonagall handed him.

"i was... but now, the full moon- and it got really bad again." he took a rattling breath. "i relapsed," remus admitted.

she took out her wand and conjured both a first aid kit and bar of dark chocolate.

"show me."

obediently, he rolled up his sleeve. as she cleaned the wound, spread ointment on it, and bandaged it, he grubbed on the chocolate.

"talk." some people would have found her directness intimidating, but she was exactly what remus needed: a listening ear.

the mess of words that spilled out of him were so unfiltered, so raw, it was a miracle she was able to piece together what went on in his mind.

"i think, maybe there something so unforgivable about me, like, i should be dead because what if i hurt someone. and i'm so scared that james and sirius secretly hate me, and sometimes i know they should. i'm not always a good friend. i'm moody and surly and depressing to be around. it's disgusting. i'm disgusting. i have scars. my parents would be better off without me ruining their lives. i just want to die before i have to transform again. it's hell. i think i could've killed myself tonight, if sirius hadn't found me." he choked out. it took him a while to learn to be honest with the stern professor, but little by little, he opened up to her more and more.

"that's a load of codswallop. you are not disgusting. you are a good friend. your friends care about you, almost a concerning amount to be completely honest. the world is better with you in it." she stared into his eyes. "say it."

it was hard, but he forced the words out of his mouth. "the world is better with me in it," he said, without conviction.

"again."

"the world is better with me in it." a little stronger.

"keep reminding yourself, ok?" he nodded. "and your sleeping in my guest quarters tonight."

he stood up and gave her a hug, and it felt like home.