Your number 1 fan

A PERSONAL AND PUBLIC EVENT (5)

CARINA POV

"Did you know?" is the words that have been repeated multiple times during this conversation. My dad has been playing denial tennis with me, whatever I say he pretends he knows nothing of.

"What, Carina?" He asks finally giving up and listening to me.

"That your ex-wife had a small stroke last week?" I ask and his face contorts into a confused look.

"No, why would I know? Is she okay?" I was comforted by him caring enough, especially while he's been manic since we arrived in London.

"She spent the day in hospital having loads of tests but is apparently fine. I just found out by Andrea while I was at a bar" he sighs as I finish my short story of knowledge I've gathered.

"Your mama has always had health problems; I'm not surprised that this has happened. I hope your brother is looking after her" He shares in a quiet voice, a voice that hasn't graced the earth for a long time.

"Why didn't anyone tell me?" I ask matching his volume, we both perch ourselves on opposite chairs as we calm down from a pointless fight. He looks up at my sympathetically.

"You are a bambina, Carina; you shouldn't worry about mama's health. You should worry about grades and school and following me in medicine" He responded.

"I should have known" I whisper, suddenly feeling another wave of emotions hit me. Looking at my dad I can see the guilt on his face, he tries to hide it behind his normal emotionless face.

"Now you do know" he says as he leaves my hotel room. The door closes signifying the conversation ending. It's funny how I chose to stay here for my papa's health when really it was my mama's health that I should have left for. I'm now stuck in a loop of reflection, trying to find any sign of her health going down while I was growing up. But instead, I'm met with an emotional memory reel of when life was good.

After a while, I guess I got bored. YouTube is the perfect thing to fill my time, the perfect distraction. Looking through my recommended I find interviews from earlier today; interviews I could have watched if I knew it was on. The interview with the blonde beauty radiates across my screen as her voice fills the void of my room. The rest of the evening is filled with her interviews, videos of her training and replays of her official races.

-

The sun looked different when I woke up, the golden rays bled through the holes in the curtains subsequently radiating the clothes on my hotel floor. It had been a restless night, my patterned duvet was twisted around my body as I cuddled it, the AC hitting my lower back. I didn't have plans for the day, last night after the argument there wasn't much speaking. I didn't feel the need to leave my room, despite the sun on my face, I was comfortable.

There weren't many thoughts clouding my brain like there usually is, normally my trusty brain is a machine built on mistrust and overthinking. But today, so far it had behaved itself. Maybe it was from the glass of wine last night or the emotional turmoil I experienced last night. I started to search for my phone in the sea of blankets and pillows, usually I keep my phone under a pillow. Yet, it was nowhere to be seen, an instant groan left my mouth as I realised, I needed to put in effort to find the phone.

Finally standing and stretching I found my phone on charge and a note next to it.

My little girl, there are family secrets that you may never know and others that you should. I am sorry that you never learnt of your mama's medical complications. They have always been present, her fevers lasted months, her small cuts would bleed for too long. Her going to America wasn't only to escape me but to get help, help she's needed for a long time. Help she is now receiving.