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IS THIS WHAT GRIEVING FEELS LIKE? (9)

Feb 27th

MAYA POV

Grief is confusing, a myriad of emotions that you learn to control slowly. Slowly and fleeting. One drunk driver and one undiscovered heart problem was the cause. The cause of death for a parent, for my dad.

Half a year ago, I had faced the Olympics with him and gained two medals. I ran my heart out on an injury, and we celebrated it at first.

A year ago, I had trained incessantly alongside him. We enjoyed the training, the checklist of things to improve slowly improved as the months went by.

7 years ago, I won my very first race competitively. A race in Alaska of all places, a race in the heavy rain but due to my dad's training; of course, I won. He'd appear whenever I needed focus until I had the mental capacity to do it on my own.

Grief led me to questions, questions about my future. My biggest inspiration has died, the career he would have played a part in has died with him. Grief made me watch a TV show, a favourite but depressing. A show where a key character is asked who they'd like to experience a moment where their dreams come true, who would they want standing next to them? A question which stumped me, a question which forced me to analyse who me was around. Friends, there aren't any and family is just the same.

Today I have been catatonic, staring at the medals in front of me are the only sense of stillness. Something that has rarely happened, everything is still. My mom doesn't know, or I don't know that she does. A week and she hasn't come by or shown that she still exists. You'd think she'd come back straight away, help her dear daughter but instead I am here. I haven't eaten in what feels like days and drinking is just as bad. The supplements organised on my bedside table have remained untouched, there's no point to running now. No point to wanting to do something you'd do with someone else who will never be there.

CARINA POV
A sense of relief, it's a weird concept with grief. A patient who I'd bonded with had died. Unlike the heartlessness you're probably thinking of, there's a sign of relief. The multiple surgeries to help someone who was doomed, felt like a chore. Each result was the same with every surgery slowly chipping away at her overall health.

She was alone, no relationship with any sort of loved one you could think of. She had been in a plane crash over Milan with 4 other patients. 4 patients who had died before making it here, she was the only surviving member. The first surgery given had saved her life, prolonged is the better word. She had spoken several times about her regrets, about how the world changed too quickly around her and how she had to grow up so quickly. A quick-to-anger father who she looked after for years, was a defining characteristic that we had in common. The patient inspired me, her death or rather her regrets inspired me. She was alone, I'd hate to live life alone and that's how my stupid revelation found its way to my papa. My papa who now wants to set me up with every "respectable" guy he comes across.

March 13th

MAYA POV
Grief is unexpected, the tattoo on my ribs which never healed properly, caused a breakdown in the changing rooms. The tattoo that dad did eventually notice and made me run about 50 miles and I couldn't stop until I'd completed it, of course it rained, and he stayed in the car next to me. Hidden behind that tattoo was a muscle cramp that only got worse, but I kept going for him. His notorious smirk blossomed on his face as I'd all but collapsed across the finish line.

I haven't willingly run since. My dad would be proud of one thing, I haven't gained weight; I've even lost weight. The clothes that once fit me now feel oversized and I love it. It hides my figure from the world. Every single thing that changes causes me to say goodbye, goodbye again and again until maybe that word will stop existing in my brain.

CARINA POV
This month so far has been a happy month. Today specifically has been about training, no surgeries permitted or allowed until we can complete a list of techniques. Gabriella has been close behind me in the running, there's no prize for who comes first but I'm surgery hungry. It's unexpected but that one patient last month has inspired me to do my worst... my best to stop death. Practice does make perfect, for that the quote has truth. The techniques and the stillness of my hands is something of art, I can be confident in that. The trauma surgery that I've been thrown into has helped me, it's helped me to think and quickly at that. What's arguably worse, it has inspired me to leave. To leave everything I know and start anew.