How did we get here?

chapter 4 mofos

When I wake up I lay in my bed for 5 more minutes before opening my eyes. Looking at my phone, its only been an hour since I fell asleep. I push myself up and groan as my joints click and pop. Why do I feel so olllld? I don't want to get out of my warm bed but I need to shower and I can taste my not technically-morning breath. Gross.

I get up and run my fingers through my hair and I can feel the grease. I check off Sunday on my calendar and make my way to the bathroom . I stop at the sight of my reflection and lean in towards the mirror. I have bags under my eyes and my dark circles look purple against my fair skin. Speaking of, I look like a ghost. Was I always this pale? In Italy I was way tanner but I spent more time in the sun as a child. My hair could pass as shiny but I know just by touching it that it needs to be washed. My lips are chapped and I'm getting acne on my hairline near the end of my left eyebrow. Did I look like that at wills place?

Wait, why do I care what will thinks? He's just some annoying guy I have to see in a couple days

Oh wow, yeah, that's in two days. I drag my hands down my face and close the bathroom door. I pull my hoodie and my shirt off and unwrap my bandages. The cuts are red and irritated but nice and clean, thanks to Will.

I remember the way Wills nimble fingers gently wrapped my arm, how they brushed my skin ever so slightly, sending shivers up my spine. The way he asked oh so quietly, with so much emotion, what had happened. And what had I said? I said "nothing", with venom in my voice. As I step into the shower I feel drained. How could I act that way? He was only trying to help.

Jason has no idea about what I do to myself but he knows I struggle. He was there for some of my worst breakdowns. Will is really the only person who knows now and I guess I wasn't ready for that. I still feel bad though. I realize that even though I wasn't ready for anyone to know, I still craved that comfort.

There was no way I would let anyone know about that though. Not many people want to get close to me and I feel the same way towards them. I don't like people. That's just a fact and even though I crave love and affection like everyone else, I would never let anyone close enough to know.

I check the temperature of the shower and get in. Unlike my horrid roommate, I use separate body wash, shampoo, and conditioner.

Jason has the audacity to ask how my hair always smells good. My advice to him? Don't use a 3 in 1 wash. Sure people say I smell girly but I would rather smell like vanilla and citrus than camouflage turned into a musty scent.

I finished shampooing and I let my conditioner sit as I wash myself. I avoid my arm and while I rinse off my soap I wash my face. I can't look like a greasy pepperoni pizza when I see will. Not that I care what will thinks of me, I just don't want to make him think I'm ugly... ugh I definitely want to impress him. Maybe will thinks acne is cute? Its just that he has seen me in my gross hungover bloody state and I don't want him to think of me as that.

I rinse my hair and face and I step out. I dry myself and put on a pair of sweats and a loose long sleeve shirt. I throw some fluffy socks and rub my towel against my hair and gently pat my face. When I look in the mirror again my face is slightly pinker, but thats from the hot water. At least now my dark under eyes don't look as bad as before and my hair has way more volume and wave. At least I will look presentable for tuesday . I leave the bathroom, before I start picking and leaving scars on my face.

I check the time and i have around 6 hours until I have to go to class. Im a bit stressed about meeting will tomorrow. My thoughts return back to will. Heat rises to my cheeks as I remember what I was thinking earlier, but its better to just admit it to myself now. I think Will is super cute. That doesn't mean that I don't think he's annoying but he is also sweet and caring. Of course our meeting wasn't ideal I'm still glad it happened.