You Suck Deku

5 - And Lather Feeling

Katsuki remembers one particular moment when they were children. Deku and him were exploring the forest next to the playground like they always did. They were both five, so small and full of adventure and happiness. 

"Hey kacchan, when we grow up... um..." 

Deku looked away, seemingly embarrassed. Katsuki had rolled his eyes and nudged him. 

"What is it?" 

Deku had looked at him, his green eyes sucking Katsuki in. 

"Will we always... be friends?" 

Katsuki had laughed and said, 

"Of course! Who else is gonna put up with you?" 

He remembers how happily Deku had laughed then. 

He remembers how he would stare at Deku when he wasn't looking. He would do it any chance he could get. At sleepovers, when they would play at the park, at school, anywhere. 

How he would count the freckles on his face when he was sleeping or doing something that distracted him. How he would tell his parents that his dream was that one day, he could take care of Deku with the money he would make from being a famous doctor. 

That they would live together forever just like Deku said and they would be happy. 

Though back then, Deku was Izu. 

Pretty, cute, beautiful Izu. Shining so brightly Katsuki had no choice but to stare, like a moth drawn to a flame. 

And as Katsuki grew up, he began to realize that the feelings he had for his best friend...

weren't normal. 

He'd hear the adults talking to each other about boys, boys that liked each other, boys that were together. In the same way that Katsuki wanted to be with Izuku. 

He felt disgusted with himself. He would look at himself in the mirror and feel repulsed. Just like the adults had been when discussing the boys that loved each other. 

He was disgusting. 

And in his mind, he thought Izu was disgusting too. How could someone be so perfect, so kind, so warm, unless Izuku had felt the same way. 

He was useless. 

Useless because Katsuki wanted him to be. 

Useless because everyone believed that he was. 

They were childhood best friends, but now, Katsuki would rather fucking die then admit that the useless boy had any part in his life other than being his punching bag.

And that worked for everyone. 

Until... 

Katsuki had heard that Deku was still applying to UA despite his many threats not to. UA had been the place him and Deku had dreamed of going to since they were children, the prestigious school that is known for its graduates becoming the best doctors in the world. 

Also, very selective. 

He watched as Deku puts his big yellow backpack on his desk, getting ready to put his school supplies away to go home. 

And suddenly, he feels sick. 

Green eyes seem especially happy today, shining and so so pretty. He hates himself for thinking it. But he does, and it just makes him feel even more sick. 

So he takes it out on Deku like he always does. 

It's his fault that Katsuki...

"Hey, you piece of shit!" 

He stomps over, two of his classmates following with sadistic smiles on their faces. Deku looks up with those big eyes. He stops mid-way through putting his notebook in his backpack. 

The freckles dotting his cheeks stand out so much and Katsuki hates how a number flashes through his mind. Before he can think of anything else, he grabs the light blue notebook from his hands and holds it up, shifting it back and forth in his grip. 

"I don't know what you think you're doing Deku, but we're not done." 

His two classmates walk closer, one of them with his hands in his pockets. 

"Whatcha got? His diary?" 

Deku reaches his hands up to grab it but doesn't dare make a move to take it back. 

Good. 

He is reminded of the time they dumped water into the stall as Deku was inside. He had watched as he dried his clothes in the hand drier, a miserable look on his face. 

But he still had the damn nerve to smile after. 

"Huh? Don't tell me your taking notes on how to be a doctor." 

"Thats so pathetic!" 

"He's delusional!" 

Deku stands up, his chair clattering back as he looks at Katsuki, that dumb smile still on his face. He lets out a nervous laugh, his hands ready to reach out again. 

"R-Real funny guys! Just give it back!" 

He glares and with one smooth movement, clasps the notebook between his hands and tears. Without letting any of the papers fall, he continues to rip and rip, watching with satisfaction as that smile leaves his face and he yells. 

"Thats so mean..." 

Katsuki throws it out the window, watching as the pages flutter towards the ground, landing in water. He puts his hands back in his pockets as Deku stays at his desk, staring at the window in horror. 

He shrugs past him, the other two following. 

"Thats just sad... i thought you at least had some fight in you..." 

"He finally gets it. Better to find out sooner than later i guess." 

And in that moment of silence, Katsuki says something that he shouldn't have. He wishes he could just shut the hell up for once, to just keep walking. 

But instead, he looks back and says, 

"You know, if you want to be a doctor that badly, just take a swan dive off the roof of the building. Then you can get yourself some first-hand experience. And if it doesn't work out, you'll have your next life to fail again." 

He sees Deku turn his head, a dejected and surprised look on his face. Like he had never expected Katsuki to go that far. 

There is a split second. 

A second that is engraved into Katsuki's mind like a scar. 

Deku looks away from him and smiles. A smile that isn't the same as all the others. A smile that says, 'ok. You win.' 

He turns away and leaves the classroom, slamming the door as the other two follow him.