Dahlia

A thousand moments I had taken for granted, mostly because I assumed there would be a thousand more. No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. I will always miss my Jarebear, but there's nothing anyone can do, other than move on. So that's what I had to do.

Jared was... everything. Kind, loving, caring, beautiful, graceful, funny, and Jesus was he hot. He had the most amazing mind, and he never stopped loving me, after everything we went through together. And I hate to say it, he had a bangin' bod. God, I miss his touch. I miss his voice, his love, his kisses. But, I just have to accept that I'll never feel any of that again.

I've been able to truly smile again. I'm still a wreck, but being away from everything really helped. I'm starting classes next week for mourning widows, since I'm a widow now, which is sad to say. Spending alone time with my baby has also been a lot of help!

Jareds mom called me to show me how to set up a proper shrine for Jared, and it'll be in my room. It's called a Tamaya, it had a mini Torii, and she sent me one in a package. It's made out of a really pretty wood. She told me to decorate it with flowers and I did. There was much more to it, but it mainly involved some amazing pictures of him. I love him so much, Jared is so pretty. I know I'm here to heal, but that doesn't mean I have to forget about him. I'd rather die than forget about my Jarebear. I love him more than anything.

I will admit, I've sat at the shrine and cried for an hour straight once. Although Jared wasn't really religious, his family believes in Shintō, and he told me he kinda is too. It's just a very spiritual religion, and I wanted to honor him with it. Sitting there though, I felt his presence. I felt like he was there with me as I was sobbing. It was actually kind of nice. The necklace I have with the diamond made out of his ashes...I would always clench it with my hand as I cried, but, soon, my tears dried and I could be happy again.

We left to pick up Nabi the next day, and he brought his oldest kid! She is 5 years old and she can only speak German, and a little English. Rowan was asleep the whole time in the car seat, but not gonna lie, the second I saw Nabi walk out of the airport, I got out of the car to hug him.

"How are you?" He asked me.

"Better." I replied as I finally stopped hugging.

"I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I'm happy we can be here. I've been wanting to spend time with you for a while now." He told me with a smile.

"I'm happy you're here. I hope you come every now and then now that I'm only an hour and a half plane ride away!" I told him. I hugged him again. And then I went to hug my niece! She is the sweetest girl! She is a huge fan of me, that's for a fact. She would ask to play my songs in the car, she's a total rock star. Although she saw me at my dads wedding, she is still completely obsessed with me, and I'm perfectly fine with that! She wanted me to be around her 24/7 even though we can barely communicate! She has beautiful eggplant colored hair. Her hair was long and it went down to her waist. Her and I took selfies in the back seat and I sent them to my dad, who was happy to see them!

"Onkle Karma! Do watch Bluey?" She asked me. Her name is Heidi by the way!

"Heidi, I have 2 little kids! Of course I do!" I told her. She laughed and then continued to try to communicate with me.

We got back to the house, and Nabi bonded with Rowan. He has grown into such a mature person. I was sitting with him in the living room that night...

"Remember when I beat the shit out of you?" I asked him. He laughed.

"Fun day." He replied.

"Aw, you still have the scar on your eyebrow and lip!" I said, staring at the scars as he smiled. I absolutely hope this doesn't sound weird, but he is a very good looking guy and he always has been. Nabi was just filled with anxiety and depression, and he always would look down on himself! The moments him and I would get along, I'd pump him up. He has our moms bright blue eyes and her long eyelashes, and her hair! He is one pretty boy. Even though he is in the military, he don't look tough, that's a fact.