your look of horror. i immediately ran when you asked what the things on my wrist were, but your reaction is forever ingrained in my mind. then the penguin girl and the girl who i used to help in math found me hiding behind a table in a group of my other friends. the penguin girl said she told you to "shut the fuck up." like, i'm grateful for that, cuz according to them, you were rather loud and regarding this certain topic, we tend to not want to attract attention. after all, it's a secret of some sorts, and people hide secrets, right? they managed to coax me out of my uncomfortable and sad excuse of a hiding spot, and my other group of friends was like hey we should play hide and seek but i don't think they understood the seriousness of the situation. it's okay. hardly anyone ever does, and when they do, it's usually when they're involved somehow. but then we went to the other side of the boat and we started talking. they told me how they tried shushing you (yadayaydayada dont want attention blahblahblah) and some other stuff that i no longer remember (kinda sad considering this is like, six hours ago). but then when they were still talking, i saw you in your beautiful floral dress and your flowly black hair, now knotted from the wind. you were sitting by yourself on a bench. now my instinct is to immediately go to someone who is alone because i personally know how awful it is to be alone, and to add to it, your body language said that you were clearly upset. i edged my way out of the conversation and i sat to your right. then i realised you were crying. this is ironic considering how much crying and tears i see on a daily basis, but i had no idea what to do when i saw you crying. i could had never in my entire life ever imagined seeing you cry. you're so freaking perfect and strong and dashing and everything a girl could want (not sugarcoating here) and i love you with all my heart and i saw you crying and it made my heart pop out of my chest and jump overboard into the polluted potomac. i wanted to say, "it's okay" or "hey, don't worry about me" but then i realised, what if you weren't crying about me? what if seeing them tipped you over the edge, and now you're crying? i didn't want to seem self-centered, so i kept quiet. eventually, you managed to mutter between sobs, "it's all my fault" (or maybe it was "i'm such a horrible person." i don't remember anymore. probably if i remembered then the dramatic-ness of this letter would be better but oops) please listen to me, my darling, none of this is your fault.
none. of. it.
running is just my instinctive response to all of this—depression, self-harming, suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem, all of this awful shit that obviously, has to exist in our universe. whenever something goes wrong, i bolt. (once again, ironic considering how i don't run) seriously, i don't know if you'll believe me or not, but just comprehend the fact that i know it's not your fault. any of this. if anything, you helped me, because i know i can't be sad—for your sake.
and you found out two things today. the first one, well, you've been pestering me about the topic since . . . december? i appreciate your acceptance and not-freaking-out reaction. thanks. i really need that at this time. but i'm so freaking sorry that you had to find out about the topic i'm writing about right now this way. this must be one of the worst ways to find out that one of your, pretty much, sisters, is going through all this shit, but you've never known. or you've guessed, but was in denial. i'm sorry i kept this from you. i don't want to drag you down with me. but i guess the purpose of writing all of this is to tell you: thank you so much for your support and in my opinion, "supportive, accepting, and practical" reaction to both of these topics today (mostly the second topic though, but still). and none of this is your fault. you are definitely not a "terrible person." you are a gorgeous and stunning person and there's a reason why i'm keeping in contact with you after tomorrow.
i love you
-grace (aka peppy, wuhoo)
