Luke
Cassie burst through the door, talking on the phone, her steps rushed. The door slammed behind her as she kicked off her Converses, her keyboard case on her back. She looked at me, probably aware, as always, that I was in the same position I’d been in when she left.
All I’d been doing was feeling. I’d been sitting here, thinking of closing Frankie’s eyes. Thinking of my mom. The outline of my mom. Of everything, everyone, I’d lost.
And now Johnno was back. It could have been someone else, but even though I didn’t see the Bronco last week, I’d known it was Johnno. He had not only misunderstood what severance meant, he also couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that I couldn’t give him the amount he wanted until I was discharged later this year. Time didn’t matter to Johnno. Other people’s lives didn’t matter to Johnno, unless he was at the center. And now he was coming for mine, for Cassie’s.
“I’m just saying, maybe you were right about Toby,” Cassie said into the phone, and hushed her voice when she saw me. “I just don’t know what we would do about the Sahara show. That’s the one the Wolf Records guy is going to be at. I mean, do I throw it all away because I’m mad?”
Cassie’s friend’s voice mumbled on the other end.
“Right,” she said, pulling the strap of her purse over her head, setting it down. “Yeah.” She tossed her keys on the table. “Okay. Love you, Nora. Bye.” She hung up.
I heard her start to set up her keyboard in her room.
The buzz from this dose was glorious. This was a whole new level of cloud head. And Cassie was in a fight with Toby. I didn’t know why this made me happy, only that it did.
“Everything okay with you and Toby?” I called.
Cassie poked her head out of her room. “Hey, Luke?” Her voice was clipped. “Can I have a moment to myself? Without someone needing something from me?”
“I don’t need anything,” I said. “I just thought you might want to talk.”
“Oh, all of a sudden you’re Mr. Sensitive? Give me a break.” She laughed, mirthless.
I felt a puffy, sticky version of regret. The words kept coming. “I didn’t like how I was acting, either.”
She stepped out of her room fully. The late-afternoon light caught the tips of her hair, her gold-brown eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“Well,” she finally spoke, quiet. “You might as well know. Toby asked me to move in with him.”
“What did you say?” The words still felt distant coming out of my mouth, like someone else was saying them. Cloud head assured me they were the right thing to say.
She looked at me, her eyes red around the edges from crying. She was so pretty. “I said hell no.”
“You didn’t have to do that on my account.”
“This is my home.”
“I know.”
She went back into her room, beginning to play scales. Her home.
God, what if Johnno broke in? What if he hurt her? Regular head crept back. You couldn’t do anything if he did. You’re useless.
“Cassie!” I called. My words were slurring. I didn’t care. “C’mere. Please. Just for a second, and I’ll leave you alone.”
Cloud head began to yank my thoughts in reverse. I wheeled toward her room. I stopped.
What if I had never met her? What if I had never overheard her proposing to Frankie? What if I had never met Frankie? And if I had never met Frankie, Frankie would have roomed with someone else who could have been in the jeep with him at the Pakistan border, maybe someone who might have told everyone to stay in the jeep, and as a result, Frankie and Rooster would still be alive.
What if I had never joined the army?
What if I had never left cloud head?
What if I had never found cloud head in the first place?
