I showed it to Nora and Toby.
Toby said, slowly, “Well, we have to at least assume the good before the bad.” He drummed on the table, ecstatic. “Also, hi. That man walking away is about to give us a record deal.”
I couldn’t get anywhere near to the good Toby was talking about. I started to think about what “jail” actually meant. What it meant to Luke, what it meant to me. Punishment. Loneliness. Cut off from everyone. His agony, reaching across toward me. Between my bandmates, over the lukewarm tea, I started to shake.
“Let me go get you some more hot water,” Nora said, her brow furrowed. She stood and went inside.
“Come on, Cass. That would be Luke’s trial, not yours,” Toby said. “Right?”
“We’re married. It’s going to be my trial eventually, T.”
Toby shook his head with a confident smile. “He’s worse, though. His dealer? I mean, that’s some shady shit. You could probably even spin it so he manipulated you.”
My hands clenched. “I would never do that to him.”
“Think about it, though.” Toby swallowed. He reached over to brush away one of my tears. “I mean, we’re about to go on tour, Cass.”
I pointed to the text on my phone. “There might not even be a band to go on tour. Because I lied. I’m a fraud, too.”
He searched for words, eyes narrowed in confusion, leaning toward me. “You’re just going to give yourself in?”
“I’m not giving myself in,” I snapped. “But I am being honest about what’s happening here.”
“All right, be honest, then,” Toby said, smacking the table. “Be fucking honest.”
I threw my hands up. “What? What do you want me to say?”
“You’re in love with him!” Toby yelled, his eyebrows raised.
Nora had arrived between us, holding a small teapot. She bit her lip, and set it down gently.
Toby let out his breath slowly. His face turned softer, sadder. He tucked his hair behind his ears, and leaned back. “You’re freaking out because you are. I always knew that you were,” he said. “All that time. I just tried to ignore it.”
All the breath was knocked out of me. I couldn’t say yes, but I couldn’t say no, either. And the person who was most relevant to that sentiment was completely out of reach.
Suddenly, I was so tired I could barely hold my head up. I picked up the teapot, and poured some steaming water into my cup. I could feel Toby’s gaze on me. I looked at his sweet, sad eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, and meant it.
His jaw was still clenched. “I can’t fucking believe this,” he said. “I need a drink.”
Nora came between Toby and me, and put her arms around our shoulders. “First, we’re going to get food for Cassie. Then we’re going to The Handle Bar. But no matter what happens, this band is going to get through this. We’re going to be sad together, and we’re going to celebrate together.”
“We’re going to do both?” I asked, trying not to cry.
“Both,” she said.
