248 Days

May 26th

This was a whole new kind of tension, and I was not enjoying it in the slightest bit. Following the memory in the rain, Grayson had become considerably less tense. His ease in turn comforted me... At least, for a few days. Naturally, as if to spite me, the tension slowly returned. And this time it was much worse. So much worse. Immensely intensified and seeming to only affect me, it was driving me mad. Driving me mad, because while the past tension had rooted from the desire to return my memory before the end of the 248 days, this tension was an entirely different kind of desire. A desire of which I remained bitter.

     Grayson was his usual carefree self, conveniently relaxed and confident now that he had received proof that all his planning could be successful. He had no clue that I was slowly losing my self-control. I didn't know how much longer I could keep my lips from voicing my thoughts. I was so darn close to hitting him upside the head, confessing my feelings and suffering the embarrassing repercussions. Anything was better than this.

     It brought me shame and anger, but every moment that I had so much as a sliver of hope that he felt the same, I could barely restrain from throwing myself at him. He was so easy to want. But I was not, and that was the problem. How could I build the urge to tell him the truth when I was so convinced that doing so would only bring me devastation? The situation was hopeless. Why would anyone want a sarcastic grump who's been damaged? It was those rational thoughts that saved our friendship. In times that I completely lost myself in my feelings for Grayson, mind incapable of thinking of anything other than the gleam in his eyes, care of his touch and melody in his laughter, the appearance of these rational reminders, reminders that Grayson sought nothing more than a friendship stopped me from going through with what I would surely regret.

     Many times, I considered getting the humiliation over with. I was convinced my mouth would soon unwillingly betray me, anyways. If I admitted it now, maybe we would hold a chance of moving on. As much as I feared speaking my truth, the thought of never speaking it frightened me more. The inevitable rejection would be painful, but in the end, it would hurt less than holding onto false hope and forever being haunted by what ifs? Confessing made sense. My brain concluded that it was the best move... But my pride said, to hell with that! My pride told me it was better to suffer in silence. This internal fight within myself was causing the tension. Part of me wished for the opportunity to once again completely lose myself in him and allow the confession to spill free. But another, very prominent, part of me was overcome with terror at the idea of losing the fight and letting my mind feel and think freely.

     I was spinning out of control.

     Only two days ago, I had almost blurted the truth out of frustration. Sticking to Grayson's plans for a weekly family game night, we had chosen to play Monopoly with his parents. I had enjoyed myself. I laughed and chatted easily with the three, but the tension was there. Every time our thighs would brush when he got excited and leaned over the table to move his spawn, every time his eyes shimmered when someone landed on his property, the tension was there. Claire and Calvin noticed it. That day at school my friends noticed it too. Everyone noticed it, except for the moron himself! Claire had even made a sly remark about it, during the game. But Grayson remained as clueless. It became painfully clear that I would literally have to spell it out for him. Already tense and recent roll of the dice landing me on a property that would cause me the game, I was so infuriated that I was tempted to let myself speak freely. I very nearly met his dumbfounded look with, because I like you! You great, big idiot! But, once again, my pride stopped me. I settled for only speaking the idiot part of my thoughts.

     Today was no different.

     The sun was getting to me... It wasn't my fault that Grayson looked so good. Skin exposed as he wore only light blue swim shorts, he glowed under the hot sun. His shorts were the same blue of his eyes and that made his gaze that much more captivating. When I did find myself capable of tearing my attention away from his bare chest, I was instead fixed on his eyes. He was unfairly handsome and watching him prepare to enter the pool, I was very reluctant to remove my own clothing. I didn't want to stand next to him when he looked like that. I felt like and unstitched, rag doll on a shelf next to the newest Ken doll.